I want to play hide and seek and wear your clothes, compliment you on your shoes and sit at the doorway ledge while you take a shower and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you nick my fries and meet you at Mt Faber and talk about our lives and write you letters and celebrate you in the bathroom mirror and make faces at strangers passing by and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and wage wars with paper planes behind pillow forts and watch terrible films and watch great films and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you the paper while you flip pancakes and make toast and go to the park and drink home-brewed tea at midnight and have you teach me how to whistle and laugh at how silly I look and tell you about the programme I saw the night before and take you to the clinic when you're sick and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep awhile and kiss your cheeks and play with your fingers and tell you how much I love your hair, your eyes, your lips, your arse and sit on the steps humming 'till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps humming 'till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you little hearts made from straws I stole from Mac Donald's and sit on the cold cement 'till my bottom is sore while you skate and be there at the stands during your soccer games eventhough the season finale of Next Top Model is on and have you wave at me every now and then and I'll smile and cheer when you make a good pass and hug you when your team wins and hug you even tighter if your team loses and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and sniff your sweatshirt for your scent and get scared when you're angry with your eyebrow's twisted and your eye has gone red, the other brown and your hair all bald and your face weary and to still tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your left shoulder and smother you in the night and get cold when you pull the duvet away and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh because i love you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it but maybe it is something like having your heart cave in except times forever but still that wouldn't do it.

Thats all my secrets in one breath.
Happy One Year, Cookie.
I love you.

So while i was in my room fixing my hair around 10:15pm, I heard my keyboard typing by itself.
IT WAS SUPER CREEPY!!
My first thought was that the noise could be my weird air vents that make noise ALL the time.
but then I heard the space bar about 4 times........
Now i'm EXTREMELY creeped out of my mind, yet im still using the computer.
I guess im used to the fact that my house likes to haunt ME and only ME.
It probably likes me :]
& Then............
I just heard one of my drawers close in the kitchen at approximately 10:24pm.
I guess my ghost buddies are lively today -__-

This morning changed a few things. Some more substantial, others less, though all in all it does make a difference significant or not. Perhaps making 2 trays of cheesecake at one in the morning, then realising it can be consumed only the next day, does help to straighten out one's perspectives somehow. Sometimes I find the weirdest of times to process the insides of my brain, like in the midst of a mosh but usually it's small triggers through words from the wise and rather occasionally, from the not so wise, that strike like a trainwreck. It's easy you know. You look at the people around you, sort out your insides, pretend you have some space, pick out the pieces you stole from them, drop it in, duplicate, lock shift and release.


Thing is, I'm just realising how freaking fantastic I really am at detaching and attaching feelings for anyone from second to second. I would like you to genuinely believe me; that this is a skill to have, not a problem. Because every night is something different, and I'm grateful for it, as repetition isn't quite something I'd enjoy; it being one which triggers boredom which then translates to dissatisfaction. At least for me, personally. On the other hand, some reliability is pleasurable I guess, at least for the sake of one's sanity and reassurance. Somewhere to lay your head at night, something you can rely on. But to contradict myself, once and again, if there is one thing I'm good at, I'm not sure whether any level of comfort can be achieved sans repetition as the notion of it co-exists with any level of consistency which is where one almost always finds comfort. Almost always, I'd say. Because perhaps there might be some who'd find comfort in inconsistency?

It's funny how joy spreads--this evening I felt joyful for more reasons than just a hard day's work. I felt joy to think of my close friends, near and far, who are such a blessing in my life. I felt joy knowing that I could cheer up a friend today, a friend who has done the same for me on many occasions. I felt the joy that Kahlil Gibran speaks of in The Prophet:
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa!

Yay, I have been looking forward to Ramadan this year and guess what? It's here. Fasting starts today and I want to take this chance to wish all my muslim friends HAPPY FASTING!

May you all have th mental motivation and physical endurance to get by this month. I am looking forward to break fast with Ridwan and his family in th coming weeks although I hope it will not clash with any of my evening classes. Hmm, this Ramadan will indeed be an opportune time for me to bond with Ridwan and his family. What's more, I am sure we will be looking forward to th end of Ramadan where we will be enjoying ourselves with endless delicious feast! I am totally looking forward to Eid al-Fitr!

I love you Rwan.
I miss you Aunt Idah, Uncle Jamil and family.


Best wishes.
Kul 'am wa enta bi-khair!

We will sit by that grass patch and talk about everything under th sky.
I miss you like crazy.
Outfield training @ Pasir Labar.
(Ns is so fcuking screwed.)

I rly rly miss you.
I rly rly miss you.
I rly rly miss you.

Chinese Language spells horror.
I've always perceived th thought of having to learn chinese dreadful. Oh rly dreadful. What's more? I don't have chinese tuition (of cos I don't see any point in having one either). Oh, looking back at how I'd prepare myself for th Chinese O's has somehow paid off.

B3.

Satisfying, I would say. I can't ask for more as I know clearly that I've put in great effort. Considering th fact that I come from th ''lower-end'' class of th cohort and don't take chinese tuition.... I'll admit I am contented with my results.
Hah.

Ol'righto. I'm gna have my shower now. Toodles.

I was in th car with daddy yesterday evening. Just th two of us, cruising down th road, just taking a long quiet ride. That was th only thing I needed to make me feel better. Well, I was about to clear my mind from all th stressful thoughts until th song ''Stuck with each other" aired on th radio.
Daddy was driving through th old estates along Choa Chu Kang where we used to live, and that familiar playground appeared before my eyes as daddy made his turn.
I bit my lip tight, th song finally taking over my emotions. I took a slow deep breathe, trying my best to swallow th tears that were helplessly trickling down my face. Daddy felt th pain. I must've cried so hard.

Nicholas. That playground was where we used to play by th swings, messing ourselves up in th sandpit and picking those red sega seeds that fell from that shady big tree. Remember that tree, Nic?
Nic; I'm missing you. We grew up together, you never leaving my side. We were literally stuck with each other. You used to walk th bridge with Grammy whenever it was time to pick me up from school, despite all th pain you had to go through walking in your clutches. You would greet me with that warm ''J..." you tried your hardest to stutter. I miss you. I was only 5 then. Kids in school called you "alien" kids in school made fun of th way you spoke or moved. Kids in school made fun of us both. But you stood strong beside me. Never leaving me for a single second. Whenever I got grumpy and pushed th other kids who made fun of you. You would gently tug on my arm. I refused to see you being made a laughing stock and I wanted to hit those kids rly hard. But you stopped me. Nic, I miss you.

Remember that one time we were playing by th swing when you fell off and got yourself badly injured? You were hospitalized for a couple of months and Grammy would tell me "Nic misses you". It was that evening when I begged Uncle to bake th cookies and deliver them in a huge tin to you at th hospital. But your condition worsened and you left for th States without saying goodbye.

When I saw you two year's back at GrandAunt's wake. You've grown up. Taller than I am. But what didn't change was that smile of yours. I felt you looking at me, you do remember me, right Nic? You do. But you didn't approach me. We both felt we needed to say "Hi" but I guess.... Th both of us had grown up, each in our own ways having been 6 years apart. We left th wake without speaking to each other, but in our hearts we both knew how we felt. I miss you, Nic.

I am looking forward to Chinese New Year. Grammy told me you'd be back with Uncle Roger. And I pray so hard you will still remember me. I've got so much to share with you! Remember how I told you I'd find my prince charming one day but you will always shake your head and point at th "Monsters" on our storybooks? Well, when you are back..... I'll tell you a wonderful story about how I met my "CHARMING MONSTER" ok?

I miss you so much, Nicholas. I rly do.
I hope you are getting back in healthy shape, I miss you so much.
We'll sit by that shady tree. I promise.

Now now now.

Behold th birthday speech. (HAHA!)
Honestly, I dread th say I turn 16.
Look, I am no longer a kid. And th most I can ever be at 16 is... a kid at heart?
Oh krap, goodbye to th childish pranks I use to pull. Hello sweet 16. Are you rly that sweet? I mean... Apart from movie privileges, you honestly don't experience any wonders at 16. Sixteen spells an entry ticket to early adulthood, BIG responsibilities and..... that means... BURDEN.

Oh, how nice. ''HAPPY" sweet 16.

Now for th BIG THANK-YOU that comes with HUGS&KISSES.

Birthday Text Messages:
Daddy/Sissi/Rg softball team/Maryam/Uncle J.H/Uncle J.K/Aunt Amy/Uncle Jamil/Aunt Idah/Taufik/Kak Zaza/Kak Suzy/Trish/Agnes/Cherb/Valyn/Kristina/SzeQian/Carmen/Pea/Serene/Amanda&JY/Jeremy/Raynee/Abi/Shahib/Firdey/Jude/Matin/Jdee/Fee&Co./Firdaus/Charmaine/Ryan/Dwayne/Dylynn/Sham/Erika/Danial/Shaula/Kellie/ and....... MY COOKIERHINO!
(I'm sorry if your name isn't included I can't remember exactly who beeped me. My phone went flat. SORRY!)

Birthday Presents:
HAHA. (It is too long a list)
People I love: SzeQian & Carmen/Shaula/Ridwan/Kristina/Daddy/Mommy/Uncle Jh/ Uncle Jk/Aunt Amy/Aunt Helen/Leonard/Shahib/Charmaine/Uncle Sd/
(Practically Everyone!)

Surprise Party:
Family.
SzeQian/Carmen/Adelaide/Serene/Pea/Kellie/Shaula/Sockleng/Huijie/Amanda/
(Obama loves chocolate chip muffins, Obama LOVES you all)

This blog post is specially dedicated to my dearest MUHD RIDWAN.
You have never failed to surprise me in your own way.
You will always turn up right before me when I needed someone to cry to.
Here's some words I've been wanting to say to you:

The little things we always do like calling each other for no reason just to say the words "baby I love you" has never failed to brighten up my days, keep me going whenever I am down.I know lately I've been really caught up with school but I want you to know now that not a second goes by without you crossing my mind. It's been pretty long since we had time to take our usual long walks and having long conversations, talking about nothing but feeling just about everything.So, let us take a day and make everything right, now take my hand and we will fall in love with each other over again.

Let's run away to the place where love first found us,let's run away for the day as don't need anyone around us. When everything in love gets so complicated it only takes a day to change it. What I have to say can't wait, all I need is a day so let's runaway. Runaway... just for the day. Gentle Giant, you've been so patient spending nights alone waiting for me and never complaining. But I will make it up to you and I'll tell you and promise that I will never keep you waiting.
I guess I need this one chance to remind you of everything we had and shared and never will I give up. I'm too much in love and I want you to know that.
And I promise to make everyday just like today.


I've decided, God gave me you.
You are th right one for me.
Th one who bothers to stay up every single night for th last two months preparing for my birthday gift.
And I can swear, no other guy in this world has th heart like yours to fold hundreds of stars filling up th entire birthday box just for me.
You have in many ways brought joy, happiness, care and unconditional love into my life. I am truly blessed to have met someone like you.

Muhd Ridwan, I love you so so so very much.

My thoughts flipped. You didn’t mind me falling apart, even let me back in. I stopped kicking, let myself sink, silently hoping that you're on your way over but I'm probably losing sight. Or maybe, if you'd shake your heart enough, you'd see me appear. I don't know. I wonder, why is it always this way? If only you were here. I do wish you were here. I am constantly explaining things to you in my head, as though I'm communicating through unseen vibes across the continents...


And you might wish I hadn’t...

How sad.
This was how patriotic I thought I could be.
Happy 44th little red dot.

I enjoy having nothing, making myself pull out my old tricks. I wish I was an amazing human being, I see them walking in the streets all the time, at first glance, oh how ordinary they seem but if you look just a little closer you'd see. They just don't know it yet and some, never come to realise it. I just wish that I could be an amazing human being, those amazing ones, when I needed to. Anyway, soon enough I was drowning in placebos and envy, I was jaded and relentless. Awkward and demanding. But so was everyone else, I'm not a bad person.


Something continues, though I don't know what it's called. Maybe it doesn't have a name but most probably, I just never learned enough. I never do. The language is suggestive though, just like it has always been with language, with words, but they're all anonymous. Perhaps I'm a wide eyed girl, trying to take everything in. A beady-eyed girl whose in the middle of something she doesn't really understand.