What I've lived for.

Bold those that you've accomplished in your life so far:



01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said “I love you” and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”

83. Gotten flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone’s heart

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

150. Saved someone’s life

I am feeling alive.

I think I'm going to take it slow..
and tell you the things that are on my mind, and I will move on with my life.

I only wanted you to know that I always had the best of intentions. But, look what you put me through, everyone around us were aware that I would have done anything and everything just to make you smile.
But it is not how it used to be. Way back when you and I were hooked on each others dreams,and found ourselves stuck in reality it was the last time you could make everything feel alright.

But as months passed, both of you and I saw more differences. I never knew why, but I was aware I realize both of us had different definition of Love.
Not having ourselves on the same page brought about the greatest struggles.
I had myself to count on when this relationship took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I've never liked that feeling.

When I gave you and this relationship the best I could, I never thought you gave me a reason to tell you I'm leaving. I was completely obsessed with the thought that "EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO WORK OUT, EVENTUALLY."

I ran out Of patience when you and I saw love in a different angle, these were the nights I went to sleep crying my heart out. No tears but having to deal with a screaming heart. No one knows.

Everyone around us sees the "perfect us" but they weren't there to feel my pain. They never suspected I was tearing apart inside. They never knew... I was numb. So here I am, braving all rumors and judgments. I am doing myself a favor. Giving myself a chance to be happier because I have suffered enough, I need to breathe and I am moving on.

I... tried. I kept on hoping to find a way to make it real.
I.... lied... Told myself it's getting better when it never will.

It's so hard to tell you so but I'm letting go.

Now, I'm not trying To re-pride anything I've Done or any of the things I've said.
Life has a way of making a change.


I've made up my mind, and there's nothing worth crying about. I loved you from the start and had always loved you wholeheartedly. I woke up to realize I should have never protected you after the great amount of hurt this relationship caused me. I know better now, never to let myself live in your shadow. I am going to move on.


We don't need a second chance, let's move on.

Keep rollin' rollin.

alright let's face it. all the badass eleven year olds loved this at one point of time. i don't particularly hate it but i can't pretend to be cool listening to this anymore.

it was either this or the smiths but i'm trying to keep everyone's interest here so all those suicidal middle class eighteen year old girls wouldn't bite my head off. i wish morrissey died banged out by a double decker bus but then again, i rather him alive because if not, everyone's gonna get all mj and start blasting smiths song all over their blogs and indie record stores and i'm certainly not ready to have a dead man wailing about why he chooses to smile to people who he rather kick in the eye, ever.

Saturday was sucha moo.

I'd like to share with you all this blissful song: Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk. It's an old piece. I remember listening to it years ago, but my friend sent me a link to a song yesterday and that was what showed up. I knew the whole lyrics to it. It's an odd feeling when one listens to music that they grew up with. I mean, my music taste has changed since way back when, but I'd run into some even now and it just sends this heartwarming feeling all throughout my body. I'm so refreshed now. Oh memories.

I woke up at 12 in the afternoon today. 12! It's definitely have been ages since I slept in! I was feeling all lazy, so I sat in my couch for a while and turned on the television. And ho! There it was. Pearl Harbor with Ben Afleck and Josh Hartnett. I've never seen it in my life and I've always wanted to. 3 hours of war put me to tears.Oh goodness, I loved that movie. And today is such a mellow day.

Mr Boy.

I want a boy who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. who will hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. a boy who will sing to me at random moments. who lets me sleep on his chest. i want a guy who will tell his family and friends all about me. bring me soup or orange juice when i'm sick. i want a boy who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. i want a boy who will call me 3 times a day if he went away. a boy who will apologize for calling too much, and no matter how many times i tell him its okay, he'd still do it. a boy who will let me gossip to him and just smile and agree with everything i say. a boy who will throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. who will bet kisses on who could beat who on at game. who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. a boy who will surprise me with 25 cent ring and we could have contest of how far we can spit our gum. who will take me to the park, put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. a boy who will kiss my neck, just to have a reason to tell me how much he loves my new perfume. i want a boy who, at night, who will dance in his pajamas with me. a boy who will take pictures in photo booths with me, someone who will never turn down a trip to the lake and who will play tag on the beach with me. a boy who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat sandwiches. who will kiss me in the pouring rain. i want a boy who would try to teach me how to play the guitar, even if we just end up laughing at each other. i want a boy who will run his fingers through my hair, share his lollipops with me, and get along with all of my friends. someone who would never be afraid to say i love you in front of his friends and someone who would argue with me about silly things just to make up.someone who will kiss me at midnight on new years and who will make funny faces at me when i'm on the phone. i want a boy who will count stars with me and be friends with my family. i want a boy who will stay home with me on a friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. someone who will squirt water guns at me in the house after i've got him soaked. i want a boy who looks me the eye and tell me something serious, that was also funny and make me promise not to laugh. a boy who could make me laugh like no one else can. i want a boy who will hold me closer than normal when i'm sick, and would play with my hair. but mostly i want a boy who is my best friend and will always be there for me.



italics: what I wish
bold: what I got :)

Where the moon lights and stars shine.

On quiet nights like this, I sit in my room and pile myself up with schoolwork. I had my playlist on shuffle. Reason being, I love expecting the unexpected. I love how surprises sweep me off my feet, I love how truth/lies catches me off guard. I've never wanted to live a life that has been predicted. I'd rather walk the different paths in life where you and I meet at intersections and junctions. I wonder, I really do wonder... How is it that you and I were given a chance to meet?

Now, it creeps me out way down to my spine that every song playing on "shuffle" mode conveys my emotions. Is it my feelings or.... just the lyrics.
I wonder, as the composer came up with the lyrics, was he feeling the same way I am feeling? Had he went through the same falls in life I went through?

Doesn't this conclude that you, me, and human kind do ride on the same mood of emotions? What makes me, me? What makes you, you. They are them, we are we. But who's to say we're the same?

Lately, I've been taking a wild ride on emotions. Perhaps, let me breakdown? And it could all be the same afterall.

I a p o l o g i s e i f t h i s b l o g p o s t a p p e a r s d i s t o r t e d.
Sympathize with me, my train of thoughts just won't peice together.

Denial Ruins your life.

I felt my chest aerate with the oncoming surge of my surroundings - trees, air, clouds, faces, sand, textures; it occupies me inside and instead of feeling like something about me is going to burst, here comes a torrent of content, and it embraces me, with such consistency. So I float through it and thought to myself, this is what it must feel like to be truely happy. But of course, such moments come rare, and like all other things in life, it passes and try as hard, you can never outstay its welcome.

If you'd like to know, it really breaks my heart every single time when I see people my age, a little older or worse, younger, doing crazy amazing things and being absolutely brilliant. It hurts me so much I'm almost always on the verge of manic depression, I'm about to cry, and really, all I want to do is be as wonderful, as motivated and as god-damn talented like they are. But my environment is hardly ever remotely motivating, the people around me in school are good but in areas I hold little to no interest in, which is contradictory and sad, really, because I guess everyone is right, I don't belong, I won't ever, even if I tried- in fact, I am god-damn sure I'm in the wrong school altogether. And I've told myself from time to time to never, ever, freaking admit to this but really, denial can only work for so long for if I was being perfectly honest with myself, I am without a trace of doubt, in the wrong country and yes, I am aware of how pathetic this sounds. I need to stop thinking and simplify my state of mind, retract all that has been exposed back to where it belongs and realise that where I am is where I need to be at this moment, really.

I'd like to have an express mail.

Dear Future You,

Hold on. Please.

Love,

Me.


Dear Current You,

I’m holding on. But it hurts.

Love,

Me.


Dear Past You,

I held on. Thank you.

Love,

Me.

I love wishing I was a kid.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

Mirror Mirror,

A young spring-tender girl
combed her joyous hair
'You are very ugly' said the mirror.
But,
on her lips hung
a smile of dove-secret loveliness,
for only that morning had not
the blind boy said,
'You are beautiful'?

You need to know.

You're th only reason I stay alive.
Love you.

Hi, it's nice meeting all of you.

Once upon a time I dreamt of living a life that would once get repeated to a much greater audience, a story of morals for people to learn from. I used to care about what others thought of me, but now I realise that my only real critic is myself and to make real things happen, and for me to become someone, I must inspire myself. Granted, I can spend so much time deciding on something and still not knowing whether it was ever the right choice in the first place, I am probably the most indecsisive person you could ever meet, I guess its all just an attemt to amuse myself. I guess I find reality quite boring, things always seem so much better in my head, I like to escape from the on-going fight they call life. I guess my imagination is the best place to ever be, the place I love to be, the place where I can escape from the on going stuggle with rules and boundaries to a place where nothing is what it seems and everything is just how i make it. A good book, a sunset, quiet nights in,the feminine times and holding hands is how I get through my life, one day it will all make sense and click into place, I would just rather this happen sooner rather then later. "True friendship isn't about being inseperable, its about being seperated and nothing changing"



Help me to piece up the pieces in my life and to have the happy ending I have always dreamed of.