Fear my tears.

We know circles never come to a definite end point.
We know we can never turn back time.
We know we can never unravel a knot of anger.
We know we can never erase the mistakes we have made.
We know some things in life are just out of our reach.

But I know.
I know I am wishing so hard, hoping against hope that the girl who died in the storybook could have been me.
I know I wish I could keep my eyes open in the chilly water seeing every wave of sorrows sweep me deeper into the currents.
I know I will be brave enough to break the little childrens' hearts by telling them toothfairies don't leave them a penny under their pillows, santa claus doesn't have a list of the names of all the "nice" children around the world and fairytales, don't exist and never will.

I know I will laugh as I watch myself wake up helplessly from an awfully beautiful dream of me dying. It tickles me. Because those aren't nightmares. The only nightmares I wake up from are those where you appear to make my world go round with joy, laughter and love. Because when reality gives me an alarming wake up call...
Everything, everything.. Is just so ugly, so nasty, so very cold.

But I compose myself. It is one of those moments where I would curl up in a very very dark corner of my room in a curled up position. My sanity hanging by a thread.
Just one last straw for anyone or anything would cause me to trip and give into insanity.

I am a very scary kid. You don't know me like how the other people in my mad mad world know me. Because.. Kids in my mad mad world tell me they won't wait for the day they feel happy.


You'll see, I am psychotic.