How's life?

An unexpected phonecall came through the line this morning.
"How's life, kiddo?".
Feeling fairly confident of myself, I replied with a rather "firm", "All's good."
"You sure?"
"Ye, kinda."

Guess I must have sounded hesitant or... my tongue got in the way and somehow, I fumbled between my emotions and words. I held back my tears for th entire 14minutes 43seconds of the phone conversation. It must have felt like forever as suppressing my emotions trying to sound OK was too much for me to handle.
After I hung out, I buried my face into my pillow and cried till I found myself choking on my own tears.

The truth is. Life is far from good. Life took me on a crazy ride and now, it left me in a massive mess.

I hate to know the truth. Somehow or rather, truth and reality brings about nastiness and fear. I won't go much into detail as... It is about my private life after all. I mean.. I will never find someone I can confide in whenver I meet with life's bullshit. Perhaps there are people I can confide in, but... I guess, the problem is; I will not allow myself to.
I have seen myself growing up on different tracks.

When I was as young as 2, I was a curious little explorer. Nothing could stop me from asking "WHY?"
I could never get proper sleep if my doubts were left unanswered.
For 14 years, one question that has not been answered was: "If you love me, why did you make me cry?"

Neither my daddy or momsie could answer me.


Life took a turn after I left primary school. I swung myself recklessly into the pits.
I smoked/partied/got into fights/drank/cut-myself.
Then,
nothing else did matter to me.
I regret what I've done.

Two years ago, reality did a check on me.
I changed for the better. But still, I was naive.
I became too forgiving. People began to step all over me.
I got hurt in return. I had been too nice to those who were simply masking their evil intentions. But hey, I will not hold grudges.

Today,
I've learnt my lesson. I have struggled through the toughest times with the people I truly love, shared happiness and tears with true friends who stood by me, laughed at almost nothing with the people who came and left my life without a trace.
I am really surprised with the number of people whom I've met and left my life.
I have realized today, how lonely I am.
But I am ok with it, because in that way.. I won't get myself hurt or stepped on.
This world is nasty.
Fairy tales don't come true.

Well, at least I knew.. My last happy moment as a kid was captured on the camera (look at th photo).