Kissing The Lipless

would you be there when i open my eyes?

2010-09-05T09:44:00.000+08:00

she was curious about the daylight. she never knew how the sun could keep shining after a storm. like it was cold, and loud, and angry. it went on for hours, and just wouldn't stop. until it did, at 3am, like it had just fallen asleep, and when it woke up? it turned into sunshine again. she didn't understand how she could shine again, after a night of falling apart, until she woke up. she woke up, and realized that life has to go on, even after the storm.

empty envelopes

2010-09-02T08:52:00.003+08:00

At ll I'll read my unfinished letters, and have all the unwritten letters written when everyone is asleep.
Invisible letters on night's black sheet. I write them all with p.s.-es and darling dears.
But when morning comes--where darkness hides back into the corners, when the sun melts the crystal mist of night hanging in the air and early dawn's breeze blow away the ice kiss of the stars-- the letters are all gone; they disappear.
Or perhaps it is when sleep finally creeps under eyelashes and takes me far away that the letters, feeling abandoned because they were never written on paper (felt the kiss of ink and paper), follow the wind and never come back.

So I wonder where they go.
And all those empty envelopes will be tossed at sea because if one were a letter that is the place to be, like old-fashioned letters in old-fashioned bottles thrown out to be freed.
So I wonder and I hope that the same wind that led them away will guide the lost letters to find their temporary nests, and I dream that they'd be in their true homes fast:
someone's hands and reading hearts at last.

I don't want to lose you.

2010-08-30T22:46:00.003+08:00

My best friend died in a car accident on his way to deliver me soup for my cold.

Found in the car was also a bouquet of flowers and a card that read:

"We've been best friends for the last 5 years. Now, let's be lovers for the next 50."

www.givesmehope.com

I've been reading th posts on GMH for th past few nights. I guess.. Some of these touching posts does make my night so much better. At least, I go to sleep without a heavy heart from all that emotional trauma I've been struggling with lately.

This particular post thug my heart strings. Well, i'm guessing th scene of "you delivering soup" sounds awfully familiar to me, but there is no way I am going to let such a freak accident happen. I'd crumble and probably blame myself from falling sick for th rest of my life.

In life, we grip tightly onto th fear of losing what's not ours (yet). So... Let's cherish.

when you said "No" to biking license.

2010-08-28T18:28:00.003+08:00

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on a motorcycle)

Girl: Slow down. I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm so frightened.
Guy: Then tell me you love me..
Girl: Fine. I love you. Now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.

*She hugs him*

Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on? It's bugging me.

*****************************************************

In the paper the next day: A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure.
Two people were on the motorcycle, but only one survived.

The truth was that half the way down the road the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want to worry the girl.

Instead he had her say she loved him,

felt her hug one last time,

then had her wear his helmet so she would live, even though it meant he would die.

Inevitable

2010-08-28T12:47:00.002+08:00

you asked me why people are afraid to die.

i answered "we're afraid to die because we don't know what comes after, and what we don't know scares us because no one can control it. everything in life is controlled in some form and when we are finally able to be free no one knows how to react or what to do because we've never ever been introduced to complete freedom before. that's why people try so hard to 'live' and remain alive. as much as people claim to want freedom they're just as scared to accept it"

you asked why i was i still here if i thought like that.

i told you i didn't know.

spooks of my night.

2010-08-27T03:03:00.001+08:00

I want to write something tonight. But I don’t see what you see and my knees are sore from dancing.

I want to sing a song tonight. But I am not poetic and lyrical enough.

I don’t have tap shoes anyway. I’m weak after all, from all the delusion.

Tonight I will light some candles and make no sense, and read over things that make me feel good because they make no sense. Senselessness is so fun and invigorating. I hope, not boring? I would hate to be boring. I’d much rather microwave a cat than be boring.

I am not morbid and my parents did not commit suicide or walk out on me. Cats are nice animals, but I like dogs better. My cousin says dogs are prettier in China than they are here. Maybe that’s true? Maybe people go to China one day, and get those breast implants that would look so pretty with in their skin-tight corset, because I’m guessing if their dogs are prettier their boobs must be too.

Maybe one day I’ll actually write a book and have pretty butterflies on the cover, and somewhere in the blurb it will say ‘beware, here the last traces of myself I lay bare’, or some other corny shit, because after those words that have left me for a nice home on clean white paper, I’m going to be pretty drained.

But that’s ok too. I’ll need a reason to train it out of town and lose it in a dark, cold field, and find my way back again, following the pebbles, or the roses, if the world is kind enough. And being drained and empty makes the sky seem bigger and the numbness more hollow, and me… I can latch onto raw feeling and let it take me away on its wings. Because I’ll be lighter by then, and too tired to remember that I’m terrified of heights.

I wonder, do we ever think what happens after that?

Either way, tonight is not about thinking. I’m too sensible anyway, I know I’ll come back one day. Maybe when I’ve had all the fun, I’ll sit down resigned, have tea, steal myself a proper cat like the one from your house, and have grandkids or something.

Look through my window

2010-08-22T10:53:00.002+08:00

how many paper pages are there in a single book, how many words could you speak before you get hit, how many times are you gonna cut yourself, when i'm walking on water while you're stepping in shit?

Baby, karma's back to bite you.

2010-08-18T10:35:00.001+08:00

Truth is hard to swallow.
So you pray to God to justify the way you live a lie.

And you take your time.
And you do your crime.
Well you made your bed.
I'm in mine.

And you take your time.
And you stand in line where you'll get what's yours,
I got mine.

just enough to hear you whispering.

2010-08-07T10:57:00.001+08:00

You know you have nothing to say. But everyone listens anyway.
Nothing worth remembering is coming out of your mouth.
Everything you say isn't something to live by. Your words are not your teachings.
But you clear your throat and you're still talking to ears that will never block you out.

You figure this is the closest you've come to being adored. You're convinced you did it all without trying.
The real question is, what were you doing? Are these people just cases? Just flukes? Just accidents to your apathy? Just victims to your cause?
Guilty isn't the right word for it. Neither is apologetic.
You clear your throat again, just to hear them adjust to you.

tripping over what was never yours.

2010-08-01T10:33:00.001+08:00

Can you see it? Can you feel it? Can you hear the music in your mind? Never let anybody stop what keeps your fire burning alive...

Struggling through this quite place, as the place turned gray inside my mind. The road seems to go narrow and I think I reached the end of the rope...

The room is crowded by the noise, and now the silence gently falls. Breaking silence inside my mind like a bottle crashed into the ground.

They will never know, what I am looking for. I keep trying, trying to find the one. To eliminate this paranoia inside my mind. Is it you, the one i left behind..

I can run but I cant hide, All the pain I had inside, Maybe I will never understand, yet He will understand. He offers me hope. in the midst of hopelessness.. He stood in my shoes and this mind crowded by the noise.

Monsters with bloody teeth

2010-07-29T21:37:00.001+08:00

I'd kept my word and stayed close. I didn't need to go far; fifty steps and i had found myself alone, more alone than i'd ever been. I'd stopped to take this in, not so much afraid as interested. I'd arrived in a small clearing, surrounded by a number or tall trees with dying leaves that hadn't given up the ghost just yet. I'd spread my arms and tilted my head all the way back and closed my eyes and listened to the silence.

what's on tv?

2010-07-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

I just wanna sit down on my couch, stuff myself silly with Aglio Olio and watch sappy love movies.
Take a walk around my neighborhood and stare at 'em boys and girls.
Roll on the field at WCP with my imaginary friend, Kyle.
i wanna make frozen ice lollies.

If there's no winter, please let it rain.

missed a beat.

2010-07-24T17:38:00.000+08:00

You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it's all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn't really know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning.

BULLOCKS

2010-07-21T20:40:00.001+08:00

When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.

i wonder sometimes..

2010-07-17T15:05:00.000+08:00

about how people develop. why do we all seem relatively happy as children, but grow old to be at a loss of hope and saddened and beat up by the world? why is it that when we're children everyone says "stop it" "shush" "you can't do that. you shouldn't do that"; and after a while, we start believing them? why are so few of us left active, healthy, and without personality disorders? we grow up to be the old cynical people we never wanted to be. Or the lonely, and sad, only because we accustom ourselves to believe that the world is too much to handle. It never used to be. We were just curious. Young and bright eyed. More full of wonder than anything else. The world was strange, but not a place to be afraid of.

--

So lets become children again. Regain control over ourselves and our perception of the world. Lets tell ourselves we can, instead of we can't. Lets make our worlds small, know our neighborhoods and ride bikes. Spend time with each other just because we've got all day. Play night games and quit worrying about mosquitos or work in the morning. Let the idea of money become abstract and unimportant. Learn to bake and have conversations. Receive heirlooms from strangers and become ourselves again. it might be difficult, but it's worth a shot. to enjoy ourselves and our existence. i think we can. mmm. yes. to become lovely.

I'll be my rescue.

2010-07-14T22:04:00.001+08:00

Wonderful and some people seem to be blind to it, it can be discouraging at times. Suppose you cant change peoples opinions. Im writing here, Im human. trying to make my way to the skies. I will be here for an easy one to talk to. I am here to appreciate and to love. I am here with curiosity and imagination, all I want is be a truthful person. Today emotions are here, they are flowing in with some reason. I am trusting my state of mind once more. I will be able to overcome what is needed and I can feel it coming on. So glad I have the ability to rise up after being shoved down. The reality of being alive is simply amazing. How dare they ever question existence? Coming in contact again with truth. Resolving unresolved issues. Only I need to understand myself. Simply needed to press the re-start button. There you are, shiny and clean, good as new. Now losing touch with over stimulation is fine. No depressing dark rooms with unknown creatures lurking around.

Color making its way back into life.. Creating something new on a constant basis. Giving my thoughts and my love away freely. Ill send you something to work with. I want to listen to their stories, they might not matter ultimately, but when they matter to you and you matter to me, it is alright. Excitement not really, more of the feeling of contentment and peace. A thrill is all well, but this is lovely and warm. Forever a good person, and I think it should stay. I listened to the sounds of beauty today, and there I was. Im getting back to work, my mind can focus once more.
Get out of there you little lost girl, I'm here to rescue you.

You see, that’s what people fail to understand.

2010-07-11T12:10:00.000+08:00

Time doesn’t actually exist.

It’s something invented.

Something we use to justify the shortness of our lives.

You can’t stop time, or slow it down – or even speed it up.

Because; it doesn’t exist.

It’s nothing.

Just born from human natures painful instrinsic drive to organise and have everything wrapped tightly in logic.

...

But now, I feel like I have lost time.

I mean, the sun goes up and down, our socially-constructed ‘calendars’ keep spinning. Like the world.

But everything feels attached.

All the days and minutes and hours are all stuck together.

I will hold myself here, forever.

Time with you around is drenched in sticky, golden honey.

I am here as I always will be.

Dear Mom,

2010-07-09T09:36:00.001+08:00

"I dont know why to stay, I dont know what to miss. I dont know what to do here but getting old. I drank
so much last night, I heard my life burning. What can I do in this world? I asked myself, what can I do?"

"Mom I feel sick, in their world, life is about rules. It makes me unhappy.
Mom, you gave me life. But I messed it up.
They take a bus everyday between work place and home.
They care about food and wages. The truth is,are they all crazy or am I?"

"But mom you know I am a piece of gold, gold will illuminate someday, sooner or later..."

highways and street lights

2010-07-08T21:38:00.002+08:00

If tonight, was th only chance for you to take th last train out of here, how are you going to run away?

If this one life is left with one love to share, are we going to turn our backs on it?
We'll pray in th darkest night for brighter days. Nothing's really worth anything if it brings you down easily.

I'd like to be on my way on th road where I know will lead me to certainty.

free-dreams-for-all

2010-07-06T07:41:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time, you woke up and everything was falling apart.

Everything you thought you could do, that you thought made you special, someone else could do better. Maybe everyone caught up to you while you weren't growing; or maybe it wasn't you from the beginning. And when you tried it for yourself, the humiliation that followed traumatized you, and you never again wanted to face something that wasn't secure.

See, that's when suffering can come in handy; You realize that imperfection is a possibility, an option, a reality. What I wanted was the ability to be someone else, or at least pretend to be.

Sometimes, that's all a person ever wants to hear. And I heard it from someone special. He said it and made my day, like he always makes my day, makes me smile.

I don't know why he's there, or why me. He just told me that I always make him smile, and I have no idea how that's possible. It's him that always makes me smile, that makes me feel good about myself. And when he says he misses me, I believe him, searching my name, my company, my conversation as soon as he can.

Sometimes people come at the right time. I know HE did, just in time to save my dying self-esteem. When the person who's supposed to care for you more than anything -- doesn't, then someone else does. And does it real well. I'm so thankful.

If this be a fairy tale, it wouldn't sell. Children won't grow up remembering and treasuring the boy and the girl with their human faults and flaws who accepted each other whilst running out of good things to say. No one would care, and neither would I. I'll just go on living this fairy tale wannabe, and smiling as I do so.

In the end, it's my smile that matters the most.

And you're just gonna have to let me go with that.

let's pretend we're all alone.

2010-07-04T13:46:00.001+08:00

You try sitting down at MacDonalds with people who have no aim and no motivation in life and just talk about how the societies slowly filling up with all these hipsters some even hipster like youth who care too much about what other people think to actually realize that they're just lonely misfits who cant decide where they would like to settle in this tiny society of ours and then see if you can actually find the strength to just ask them all to shut the fuck up and stop talking about stupid hipsters when they themselves quietly wished they were part of the misfits and then walk out just walk out the retard glass doors that always swing in your face and run across the road almost get knocked down and then miss your bus home after all that running take a smoke and walk home instead because that's life now and nobody cares about picnics with your friends and baking cakes on your friends birthdays anymore because everybody's always rushing for time and nobody cares about your existence as if I ever did but whatever everyone's lost in their own world now anyway.

You had me at Goodbye.

2010-07-01T21:02:00.003+08:00

two strangers said "goodbye" to me as I got off th bus.
I was all smiles as I walked home. Thank you.

grow, growing. Old.

2010-06-27T21:39:00.002+08:00

You shouldn't get yourself wasted.
It'll be nothing but an ugly sight.
And if I do see you at the sidewalk (again), I'd probably sick all over. Only because..
Th sight of you, and how bad you smell disgust me.

Kids these days just want to grow up fast. Take a pill, "chill". Everyone calls it ride.
So ride slow and go easy on your youth.
You don't want to get yourself all bumped up and bloodied.

Maybe, one day we'll wake up and remain as young innocent children forever.
Here's something for you, "shake away every ounce of hatred and selfishness you're hiding up your sleeves."

let's get sticky.

2010-06-26T09:41:00.001+08:00

There is a kind of childish glee in
walking into a store and getting
immaturely excited
by rows and rows of stickers.

I walked away with three strips.

My childhood sticker collection was organized according to categories.
The "scratch n' sniff" ones and
the furry felt ones
were my prized possessions.
I would count the number of stickers I had obsessively.
It's a pity that didn't help my mathematics.

I got sticky :)

we were great artist.

2010-06-23T12:37:00.001+08:00

WE'RE OUT OF PAINT, SO...
Let's paint a picture with our food.
For red we'll squeeze these cherries.
For purple let's splash grape juice on.
For blue we'll use blueberries.
For black just use some licorice.
For brown pour on some gravy.
For yellow you can dip your brush
In the egg yolk you just gave me.
We'll sign our names in applesauce
And title it "Our Luncheon,"
And hang it up for everyone
To stop...and see...and munch on.

for the _________ times,

2010-06-21T10:28:00.002+08:00

I don't feel so alive.

Perhaps. Superheroes don't quite exist.

sideboobz on the street

2010-06-19T21:53:00.004+08:00

I'd like to tackle a topic that'd been popping up (or, wait, would that be out?) a lot lately: Side boob and the general showing of it in public places.

Here are some recent sightings.

I'm a fan of over-sized tank tops and slouchy teez.
So.. What can I say? I'm totally into th idea of sideboobz.

What's your stand?

to me, you're trying too hard.

2010-06-17T08:10:00.002+08:00

As a kid, I drew on my arms and my legs, feet and even face, sometimes, every single day. I hardly do that now, because once you turn 17, it's frowned upon. Now, you can't draw on your arms with markers and pens, paint each other's faces and arms and get away with it, people tattoo now. Just because you've got perma-ink on your arms and legs, it doesn't make you cool enough to stare down and assume everyone else without perma-ink's judging you. Your cool factor's still on an all time medium because you tried to be a kid. I'll give you plus points for trying. Draw on your arms, legs, feet and face with pens and markers and let's paint each other's faces. Maybe you'll be cool enough to be on my cool-o-meter one day.

semi-mind state

2010-06-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

What are we all waiting to say to each other, really? Is there any point in waiting for the right moment? What if the entire universe acted on impulse. Everything happening for the second and not for the minute. Everyone's brain working spontaneously, non-analytical in that sense. What if, the entire cycle of life depended on spontaneity? Sometimes, we take time off for a second or two just to analyze ourselves. What if that was non-existent?

You know what I'd be doing; jumping up and down a trampoline right now instead of typing all that out.

Everybody's changing.

2010-06-09T22:11:00.001+08:00

“I liked the days when boys were written down on paper listed on your top five, instead of you carrying them in your heart. When you would brag about how cool your parents were, instead of talking about how they now ruin your lives. When the only reason you didn’t want to get out of bed for school was because you were sleepy, and now it’s because each day is a struggle. While hide & seek was the coolest game, instead of guys seeing how many girls they can go out with at one time. When you wished upon birthday candles, and now you wish on a boy who is holding your heart. The days when you were just a kid who still had their innocence, and now you’re a teenager who knows everything has changed.”

Blow the candles out.

2010-06-05T13:19:00.002+08:00

Lately, I've been pretty much aware of what I hear, what people say, what you say and for once, I am actually paying attention to the lyrics of every song I listen to. Guess you get the point now? I've woken up. Shook myself awake so I could save myself from the lies I deny myself of.

I woke up after 4hours of sleep last night and I decided to pack my wardrobe. I dug out a tiny bag of "memories". I figured that I've given love too many chances, it played me out. Now, I pretty much got the whole picture figured out and that love hadn't and will not work out for me. It won't work out for me and I will never allow myself to get lost along the way.

Looking back at all I've done for love, I am pretty sure I left behind a massive load memories for you to keep. I'd travel miles just to meet you whenever I felt you tired after a long day, but sadly, you kept me waiting. You kept me waiting for minutes, hours and months... waiting patiently for the one day you'd SHOW me love. Not TELL me how love works.

Sometimes, it's got to take "more than just words". Unfortunately, I've quit playing the waiting game and I'm moving on. I'll be a stop ahead so I'll never have to look back at this painful scene. I'll take on another road so we'll never have to cross each others' path ever again.

A friend once told me that the colors on photos fade after some time, and I denied her fact and said "I'll keep my photos in a frame." You see, I thought I kept love protected in a frame. I did everything I could to keep it together. I made sure the colors remained bright and cheery, the way we wanted it to be. I made sure the colors didn't run. I made sure I loved you more with every passing day. I made sure I woke up every morning to have you on my mind. I made sure, you were in my prayers every night.
I made sure I showed you how much I care when I made little "first-aid" kits. I made sure you smile whenever you had a bad day. I made sure I showed understanding even though what you did killed me so much.

I made sure I did everything I could. Tell me, what was it I have not done?

I gave love too many chances. I fumbled, I trusted again. I bled, I believed again. I forgave, I was born again. But this time..... I woke up, and I will never look back again.

Don't you worry, I've seen the black and white to life, and I hope you realize I am not a jaded soul. I won't go on playback and let it run on replay. I am moving on to realize the brighter shade of life.

It's too late now. Now that you're finally waking up to your mistakes? I have nothing left to say but "Take back your sorry's."

I'm no longer wallowing in the gloom of love. I'm finally seeing the flame.
I see the burning flame in the happiness I share to the others around me. I cherish what I have on my hands now.

I need you to know, I am finally understanding how happiness works. I don't need to know how others define love and happiness.
I'll walk my path and maybe someday, I'll find my own definition to love and happiness.
But as far as I know, the people who has brought hurt upon me, will not be included in the picture.

It won't matter to me how long it'll take for me to seek an answer but I am very sure I'll have my own picture of happiness framed and hung on my wall someday.

Till here, I'd like to wish you all the very best in whatever you wish to do.
Perhaps, this episode has made you realize your mistakes. It is indeed too late to have me back. But I'm here to remind you that it isn't too late to make it up to the people around you now.

Best wishes.

E X I T S I G N

2010-06-01T15:28:00.003+08:00

Escape? From what?

From what you once called the perfect happiness, what you once never wanted to let go of?

From what you're commanded to be thankful for, the reason you're alive and secure, the reason people think you're perfect?

○ ○ ○

Escape from the lies of truth, the illusions of reality; the wind down your chest that had you crying late night, breathing heavy or not at all when you were awake.

Escape from the stale air that's wrapped around your throat, that's kept your mind in chains and cages.

Escape from the visions of loveliness that people see in you, fair is not always beautiful.

What I've lived for.

2010-05-29T21:16:00.002+08:00

Bold those that you've accomplished in your life so far:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said “I love you” and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”

83. Gotten flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone’s heart

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

150. Saved someone’s life

I am feeling alive.

2010-05-28T08:05:00.003+08:00

I think I'm going to take it slow..
and tell you the things that are on my mind, and I will move on with my life.

I only wanted you to know that I always had the best of intentions. But, look what you put me through, everyone around us were aware that I would have done anything and everything just to make you smile.
But it is not how it used to be. Way back when you and I were hooked on each others dreams,and found ourselves stuck in reality it was the last time you could make everything feel alright.

But as months passed, both of you and I saw more differences. I never knew why, but I was aware I realize both of us had different definition of Love.
Not having ourselves on the same page brought about the greatest struggles.
I had myself to count on when this relationship took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I've never liked that feeling.

When I gave you and this relationship the best I could, I never thought you gave me a reason to tell you I'm leaving. I was completely obsessed with the thought that "EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO WORK OUT, EVENTUALLY."

I ran out Of patience when you and I saw love in a different angle, these were the nights I went to sleep crying my heart out. No tears but having to deal with a screaming heart. No one knows.

Everyone around us sees the "perfect us" but they weren't there to feel my pain. They never suspected I was tearing apart inside. They never knew... I was numb. So here I am, braving all rumors and judgments. I am doing myself a favor. Giving myself a chance to be happier because I have suffered enough, I need to breathe and I am moving on.

I... tried. I kept on hoping to find a way to make it real.
I.... lied... Told myself it's getting better when it never will.

It's so hard to tell you so but I'm letting go.

Now, I'm not trying To re-pride anything I've Done or any of the things I've said.
Life has a way of making a change.

I've made up my mind, and there's nothing worth crying about. I loved you from the start and had always loved you wholeheartedly. I woke up to realize I should have never protected you after the great amount of hurt this relationship caused me. I know better now, never to let myself live in your shadow. I am going to move on.

We don't need a second chance, let's move on.

Keep rollin' rollin.

2010-05-25T22:47:00.002+08:00

alright let's face it. all the badass eleven year olds loved this at one point of time. i don't particularly hate it but i can't pretend to be cool listening to this anymore.

it was either this or the smiths but i'm trying to keep everyone's interest here so all those suicidal middle class eighteen year old girls wouldn't bite my head off. i wish morrissey died banged out by a double decker bus but then again, i rather him alive because if not, everyone's gonna get all mj and start blasting smiths song all over their blogs and indie record stores and i'm certainly not ready to have a dead man wailing about why he chooses to smile to people who he rather kick in the eye, ever.

Saturday was sucha moo.

2010-05-23T02:45:00.002+08:00

I'd like to share with you all this blissful song: Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk. It's an old piece. I remember listening to it years ago, but my friend sent me a link to a song yesterday and that was what showed up. I knew the whole lyrics to it. It's an odd feeling when one listens to music that they grew up with. I mean, my music taste has changed since way back when, but I'd run into some even now and it just sends this heartwarming feeling all throughout my body. I'm so refreshed now. Oh memories.

I woke up at 12 in the afternoon today. 12! It's definitely have been ages since I slept in! I was feeling all lazy, so I sat in my couch for a while and turned on the television. And ho! There it was. Pearl Harbor with Ben Afleck and Josh Hartnett. I've never seen it in my life and I've always wanted to. 3 hours of war put me to tears.Oh goodness, I loved that movie. And today is such a mellow day.

Mr Boy.

2010-05-22T13:07:00.002+08:00

I want a boy who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. who will hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. a boy who will sing to me at random moments. who lets me sleep on his chest. i want a guy who will tell his family and friends all about me. bring me soup or orange juice when i'm sick. i want a boy who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. i want a boy who will call me 3 times a day if he went away. a boy who will apologize for calling too much, and no matter how many times i tell him its okay, he'd still do it. a boy who will let me gossip to him and just smile and agree with everything i say. a boy who will throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. who will bet kisses on who could beat who on at game. who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. a boy who will surprise me with 25 cent ring and we could have contest of how far we can spit our gum. who will take me to the park, put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. a boy who will kiss my neck, just to have a reason to tell me how much he loves my new perfume. i want a boy who, at night, who will dance in his pajamas with me. a boy who will take pictures in photo booths with me, someone who will never turn down a trip to the lake and who will play tag on the beach with me. a boy who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat sandwiches. who will kiss me in the pouring rain. i want a boy who would try to teach me how to play the guitar, even if we just end up laughing at each other. i want a boy who will run his fingers through my hair, share his lollipops with me, and get along with all of my friends. someone who would never be afraid to say i love you in front of his friends and someone who would argue with me about silly things just to make up.someone who will kiss me at midnight on new years and who will make funny faces at me when i'm on the phone. i want a boy who will count stars with me and be friends with my family. i want a boy who will stay home with me on a friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. someone who will squirt water guns at me in the house after i've got him soaked. i want a boy who looks me the eye and tell me something serious, that was also funny and make me promise not to laugh. a boy who could make me laugh like no one else can. i want a boy who will hold me closer than normal when i'm sick, and would play with my hair. but mostly i want a boy who is my best friend and will always be there for me.

italics: what I wish
bold: what I got :)

Where the moon lights and stars shine.

2010-05-22T00:45:00.002+08:00

On quiet nights like this, I sit in my room and pile myself up with schoolwork. I had my playlist on shuffle. Reason being, I love expecting the unexpected. I love how surprises sweep me off my feet, I love how truth/lies catches me off guard. I've never wanted to live a life that has been predicted. I'd rather walk the different paths in life where you and I meet at intersections and junctions. I wonder, I really do wonder... How is it that you and I were given a chance to meet?

Now, it creeps me out way down to my spine that every song playing on "shuffle" mode conveys my emotions. Is it my feelings or.... just the lyrics.
I wonder, as the composer came up with the lyrics, was he feeling the same way I am feeling? Had he went through the same falls in life I went through?

Doesn't this conclude that you, me, and human kind do ride on the same mood of emotions? What makes me, me? What makes you, you. They are them, we are we. But who's to say we're the same?

Lately, I've been taking a wild ride on emotions. Perhaps, let me breakdown? And it could all be the same afterall.

I a p o l o g i s e i f t h i s b l o g p o s t a p p e a r s d i s t o r t e d.
Sympathize with me, my train of thoughts just won't peice together.

Denial Ruins your life.

2010-05-18T22:14:00.001+08:00

I felt my chest aerate with the oncoming surge of my surroundings - trees, air, clouds, faces, sand, textures; it occupies me inside and instead of feeling like something about me is going to burst, here comes a torrent of content, and it embraces me, with such consistency. So I float through it and thought to myself, this is what it must feel like to be truely happy. But of course, such moments come rare, and like all other things in life, it passes and try as hard, you can never outstay its welcome.

If you'd like to know, it really breaks my heart every single time when I see people my age, a little older or worse, younger, doing crazy amazing things and being absolutely brilliant. It hurts me so much I'm almost always on the verge of manic depression, I'm about to cry, and really, all I want to do is be as wonderful, as motivated and as god-damn talented like they are. But my environment is hardly ever remotely motivating, the people around me in school are good but in areas I hold little to no interest in, which is contradictory and sad, really, because I guess everyone is right, I don't belong, I won't ever, even if I tried- in fact, I am god-damn sure I'm in the wrong school altogether. And I've told myself from time to time to never, ever, freaking admit to this but really, denial can only work for so long for if I was being perfectly honest with myself, I am without a trace of doubt, in the wrong country and yes, I am aware of how pathetic this sounds. I need to stop thinking and simplify my state of mind, retract all that has been exposed back to where it belongs and realise that where I am is where I need to be at this moment, really.

I'd like to have an express mail.

2010-05-16T00:59:00.001+08:00

Dear Future You,

Hold on. Please.

Love,

Me.

Dear Current You,

I’m holding on. But it hurts.

Love,

Me.

Dear Past You,

I held on. Thank you.

Love,

Me.

I love wishing I was a kid.

2010-05-12T18:05:00.000+08:00

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

Mirror Mirror,

2010-05-08T12:50:00.001+08:00

A young spring-tender girl
combed her joyous hair
'You are very ugly' said the mirror.
But,
on her lips hung
a smile of dove-secret loveliness,
for only that morning had not
the blind boy said,
'You are beautiful'?

You need to know.

2010-05-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

You're th only reason I stay alive.
Love you.

Hi, it's nice meeting all of you.

2010-05-01T20:04:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time I dreamt of living a life that would once get repeated to a much greater audience, a story of morals for people to learn from. I used to care about what others thought of me, but now I realise that my only real critic is myself and to make real things happen, and for me to become someone, I must inspire myself. Granted, I can spend so much time deciding on something and still not knowing whether it was ever the right choice in the first place, I am probably the most indecsisive person you could ever meet, I guess its all just an attemt to amuse myself. I guess I find reality quite boring, things always seem so much better in my head, I like to escape from the on-going fight they call life. I guess my imagination is the best place to ever be, the place I love to be, the place where I can escape from the on going stuggle with rules and boundaries to a place where nothing is what it seems and everything is just how i make it. A good book, a sunset, quiet nights in,the feminine times and holding hands is how I get through my life, one day it will all make sense and click into place, I would just rather this happen sooner rather then later. "True friendship isn't about being inseperable, its about being seperated and nothing changing"

Help me to piece up the pieces in my life and to have the happy ending I have always dreamed of.

Balancing act.

2010-04-26T21:41:00.003+08:00

I am in a constant battle between what my heart and mind are telling me. I’ve yet to find a sensible balance between the two. Most of the time it’s because the difference between the two are night and day. In most cases, I’ll choose to be rational and follow my mind but there are those rare occasions when I’ll throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. Can we ever be wrong in deciding with our heart or our mind? Granted, one is a bit more reasonable than the other, but then again, is it? I question everything within my realm of being. I’m now questioning decisions I’ve made and whether they were made rationally in a moment of clarity or unreasonably in a daze. Were these decisions even mine to make? Now that my thoughts have been verbalised, I feel the need to retract them and make them my own again. When thoughts are shared and spoken, they are finalised.

For those moments when pain capsizes your entire being and you're seeing yourself in shattered glass, just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. Because if it hurts, you know what? It’s probably goddamn freaking worth it.

I just don't want the world to break my heart.

2010-04-24T11:35:00.003+08:00

For the last two days, I decided to stick with the same bus route to school. And it must have been a hint from God, for I took the same bus as a father with his pre-school daughter. Well, it sounds normal right? I mean.. I assume that most people who commute to school or work would have at least 80% chances of bumping into the same lot of passengers in the bus we transport in. But what made my bus ride so emotional was firstly the sight of the father sending his daughter to school by bus. Well, in many cases now, many of us have the luxury of having our parents transport us around in your comfortable cars. But... I like to take another point of view in life. I'd rather spend hours walking or on bus rides. Yes, to many it may sound crazy but I like company. I like long walks that allows me to just keep talking about everything under the sun. I like bus rides where we look at the happenings around us. Because.... In my family car, everyone goes into their world of their own. My sister plugs-into her mp3 while my mum texts on her phone.. Not to mention my dad... He gets all worked up when the traffic doesn't flow. And... For me? I look out of my car window and hope.. and hope that even for th last three minutes of my car-ride, all four of us are engaged in a family conversation. I miss the part where I talk, and I share, and you all take time to actually listen. But no... It appears to me that, you three don't seem to catch my "alien" language, or maybe... You three hardly take interest. Even if you do make the tiny effort of listening, all you do is suggest that your advices are always BETTER. Maybe... Life is so straightforward. Everything revolves round rules/restrictions/facts. Sadly, this makes all human beings the same. What a pity.

What I saw next heightened my emotions. The father was tying his daughter's hair. Not to mention it was all neat.. and proper. When was the last time my dad gave me a pat on my shoulder? Or touched my head with assurance? For the record, I guess it must have been a rusty memory. All he does is "side" my sister. Helps her come up with 1001 excuses for her not achieving her optimal potential. I'm sick to the gut.
I see how my parents "invest" hundreds of dollars on my sister's (passion) for softball and still put up with her poor academic results. Well.... Did I mention it cuts me so deep whenever I carry a smile to tell you "Mom, Dad, I made it to the team." only to be brushed off with a "Oh, good for you.". It sucks. Why is it that you two make it such a "BIG DEAL" with my sister's "achievments"?. Hosting dinners/parties. Did you guys ever ever make the effort of planning a birthday for me? AS PARENTS. No.

I just want.. Time, and patience. To listen to what I have to say. I never knew it was a chore, because... I listen to what others around me have to share WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Why can't you just do the same? (As parents).

You two tell me "I'd bash whoever hurts my daughter." Why not... You take a step back and consider... That noone in the whole world can hurt me the way you(two) does it. It makes me crawl to bed crying in my dreams. Sometimes... I lie to myself to assure everyone that everything is OK.
But now?

Now... I'll enjoy my long walks alone. Where I'm happiest with myself.

My mind cuts like a razor-blade.

2010-04-22T22:19:00.002+08:00

I wonder if you know what I mean when I talk about the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I climb to the tallest branch of the tree and look outward to that mysterious place where land meets sky, and grasp your limb just a little bit tighter because I cannot think of what to do with myself. Because it gives me a feeling of assurance, no matter how subtle.

For the sirens are chasing us. Over the rooftops with the blasts of music derived from wasted teenage years far and wide; those around us. Over the station-tracks like voices screeching along electrical rows. They are following along with clock-like regularity, just under the wheels, towards the sun. Because for their world is round but ours, a Rubik's cube.

Give me a sign.

2010-04-19T22:34:00.002+08:00

just like a sheep without its shepherd, i don't know where's the flow. so complicated.

haven't felt like this for so long.

To be subjected.

2010-04-17T11:19:00.002+08:00

the people around me have amusing things to say, i've recently developed a habit of taking them down, and not only mentally. sometimes funny, sometimes clever, sometimes insanely depressing... whether subconsciously or very consciously, for dramatic purposes or not. We either talk or think. not that we live to do one or the other but the reverse isn't exactly accurate either. i'm beginning to realise, contrary to descartes, we sometimes think in order not to be. granted, the human thought process is complicated, even more so in these formative years of our lives. thoughts are unbounded, in the fact that no one could ever understand the specifics of your every impression. at times i feel compassion does not exist, we do good to feel good about ourselves. we ourselves, like our thoughts, are unbounded, without the means of intrasubjectivity.

i think growing up only proves that even lesser things are concrete.
Guess for now.. "Er, hello poly life. I heard you'd be friendly to young kids like me."

Spelling Bee.

2010-04-15T00:28:00.000+08:00

I'm half in love with... the tingles in my arm. Watching skin contract and stiffen. Is that a word, stiffen? It doesn't look quite right. Stiffen stiffen stiffen. It feels alien. Like detached, I'm unsure. Like that funny thing we do. Stare right into each other, but not through, not too deep. Just enough to see ourselves staring back in the other's left pupil. Hold it, say your name. Again again again. Until it doesn't make sense. Until you feel it unravel from you. Until it drops. Until you don't recognise it. Then stop. Take it back, shove it back in. Like it never left.

I'm finally spelling Philadelphia without a spell checker.

What's the time of my life?

2010-04-14T00:27:00.001+08:00

I had a dream. And it was the best dream ever. I woke up with new moon on my stomach and feelt the sun scorching my leg. It was uneasy. I tried to turn to the other side of the bed to fall back to sleep but at that moment my book fell off my bed and mommy had already started turning on her loud hailer. Woke up and wiped the sleep out of my eye it was 11:15am. Time to get her papers. Time to start a new day. All i (we)-you need is time time time time. TIME. Time on our hands.

Make my day.

2010-04-08T23:30:00.002+08:00

blahhhhhhhh
days are horribly consistent

someone needs to turn my world upside down
(for the better, preferably)

if the day came when i felt a natural emotion
i'd get such a shock i'd probably jump in the ocean
and when a train goes by, it's such a sad sound
no... it's such a sad thing.
and when i'm lying in my bed
i think about life and i think about death
and neither one particularly appeals to me!

What's the radio's favourite song?

2010-04-04T22:55:00.000+08:00

i can never attach myself to a favourite song of all time, one song to encapsulate these sixteen years of my life, i find it incredibly hard. so i picked one from my favourite memory, a bittersweet memory, the memory i always look back to when regret seeps from the present. that whatever happens now and after, i will never change this single moment of my life that yes, i may not be successful in the future, that yes, i may be living off food coupons for the rest of my life, that perhaps maybe if i'm lucky i will pay it all through a shitty nine to five job just to make ends meet but never would i regret those amazing two years, i would do it all over again in a heartbeat. that i know when i'm thirty and dying i will never long for lost youth or missed chances. that i won't watch silly films about teenagers and envy their reckless youthful decadence. that i won't pass strangers and wished that it was me instead. that those times everyone else was planning for the future, calculating their breaths, we were untouchable, we were living, we were high, we were chased by wild dogs, we were jumping off cliffs and into the water, we were going at a hundred and eighty kilometers per hour and in that exact split second we thought life and death will turn and meet in an embrace, my god, i swore in that moment, we were all fathomless.

we're definitely going to hell, but we'll have all the best stories to tell.

It's like coloring in the white spaces.

2010-04-02T11:38:00.002+08:00

Hello April, it's nice to have you drop by again. I hope we're not gonna have arguments this time around. Stay for tea or stay for the night if you'd like to. But don't get in my way with your pesky little social issues again. So, as random as this can get; if music was ever a guy, he'd be a simple dude. Not too tall, not too short, not too skinny, not too fat. A pair of grungy Levi's on and a washed out band tee with that oh-so-corny washed out flannel. Maybe a beanie or a cap with an iron-on from the 60's. Those over-used pair of sneakers and really screwed up hair. Waiting at the train station with a Dr.Pepper in one hand and a bag of Cheetos in the other. "Hello Mr.Music, it's nice to finally meet the dude that defines my day."

(Fill in the blanks)

2010-03-30T23:04:00.001+08:00

This reminds me of when we used to draw dotted lines along our wrists, "Cut along the dotted lines". It was done in the name of fun and what we thought was "cool" then. Oh those adolescent days of silly behaviour, unjustified actions and emotional rollercoasters.

Without a doubt.

2010-03-27T16:44:00.000+08:00

As I put down my pen, I know someone, somewhere is picking up theirs.

I know that someone, somewhere is playing a guitar for the first time.

I know that someone, somewhere is dipping a paintbrush and marking a field of white.

I know that someone, somewhere is singing a song that's never been sung.

Perhaps someone, somewhere will create something so beautiful and moving, it will change the world.

Perhaps that somewhere is here.

Perhaps that someone, is you.

We had a million questions bout' our lives.

2010-03-27T01:25:00.002+08:00

No, I swear this time, it happened for real. It wasn't I dream I had always been forcefully woken up from. No, at least not this time.
This involves having to balance yourself on the upper deck of a moving bus. Having surprised yourself, you find the upper deck empty, you plant yourself comfortably in a seat that smelt of sickening synthetic plastic which would have caused you to feel nausea the entire bus journey if it weren't for the soothing playlist that kept your mind distracted from the discomfort.

Well, I'd count myself real lucky this time. I had company, oh yes, a lovely company who sat beside me. He looked pretty preen and proper, neat and oh- I'd say that was how a perfect guy should look. Thankfully, he was my lover. So I offered him the other earpiece and kept my playlist running. He teased me about the types of songs I listened to. And I wouldn't deny the fact that I loved being teased just for that moment. Or perhaps... I loved how he teased me? The music kept playing and each of us slowly wandered into our own thoughts. At least for me, I bit th side of my lower lip, and I tightened the grip of my hand and tried my hardest not to blink. Not wanting to cry on the bus was a struggle. All of a sudden, the traffic light and street lamps outside the bus window went blurry and fuzzy, but my thoughts were so clear. It must have been the comfort of having his broad shoulder pillowing my head.

He must have felt my uneasiness as he cradled the side of head and asked "Would you want to take a nap?". My heart tightened, and I felt the back of my throat turned sour. I wanted to breakdown. What heightened my emotions were those familiar lyrics "Never thought not having you here would hurt so bad."
I couldn't stop my mind from playing your words "when I first texted you, my heart was beating fast." I guess... We're inseperable right now, and till the end.

Tonight, I wish you were here because it hurts me to know that we're looking at the same bunch of stars but what's missing is your presence. I'd call you at 4am just to tell you how much I miss you.

I'm a crazy kid.

2010-03-24T10:38:00.002+08:00

Now.

Now's the exact moment my mind is diving into a mess. This is exactly when I am not thinking right, not walking straight, not feeling nice. Did I mention how EXACT it is? Now, this exact milliseconds, I am thinking of banging myself hard into the shelves of books, giving it the hardest knock till all my books fall over and knock me in my head. The books will fall so hard and fast and I won't be able to dodge the cutting edge of the bookcover. That... Can be a pretty mess.

When all that pain seems to be screaming in between my ears, I'll let it ring till I am in a slightly hypnotic state where I'll keep my eyes locked straight ahead. I reckon I'll see tiny black spots floating around because I could've suffered a mild concussion. And if I were to keep one of my eyes shut, and have my index finger placed right before my eyes, I'll realize... My finger is as huge as the tiny black spots. Oh.. Here's the best part.

I'll crawl into my old rusty washing machine that groans like a old rusty truck engine. I'll sit in that tiny black hole and breathe. I'll count till a 100, I'd guess that will be sufficient time for me to gain my composure?

After 100, I'll close myself. That's when the warm water starts flooding and all of a sudden, I feel the rush of my blood, from my toes up to my ears.. Then everything seems to go round and round and round. I am spinning. As my thoughts start to form, the spinning gets faster and harder. All of a sudden, when I finally get the picture in my head, the old washing machine stops.

It broke down.
Thank God, it wasn't me.

Reality Checked up upon me.

2010-03-23T10:20:00.001+08:00

come to think about it, i do love having those long (cus your house is so freaking far) walk under the clouds. As i walk along the pavement, I find the sunsets, the stars, and the moon so facinating and beautiful, until i reach the point where i see you..at the end of the line.

You are just as lovely as them all combined together.

Take that.

2010-03-21T22:44:00.002+08:00

It's weird. It's tacky. It's overrated. It's bland. It's ridiculous. It's stupid. It's idiotic. It's screwed up in so many parts. It's naive. It's frustrating. It's intense. It's tension. It's a lie. It's torturous. It's retarded. It's so lame. It's expensive. It's exhausting. It's a trap. It's neverending. It's upsetting. It's painful. It's rubbing not just salt, but sea salt on your freaking wound. It's a calamity.
It's pissing me off.

Oh, don't you dare pull that shit on me now.
If anyone asks where I'm going to be in the next 3 years,
I'd say UP YOUR ASS BITCH.

Caught somewhere in between.

2010-03-19T23:06:00.003+08:00

Just before I fall asleep and when I'm really bored I, lay down and think for a while until I fall into a semi hypnotic state of subconciousness.Some call it daydreaming and some call it just fucking spacing out.But I feel like I'm not here and it doesnt matter because I'm sick of putting myself in boring situations and pro argumentory conversations, just everyday basic sitcome happenings.Some call it thinking but when I'm in this particular state of mind, I forget to think and it becomes strictly observatory.I notice things very sensitively.Like if I focus really hard, I can see small transparent blotches of debris on the outer shell of my eyes (or the conjuctiva right?) and can only follow it as my eye moves downward.It's like watching a film footage of an amoeba or a jelly like plankton under a microscope.And when I close my eyes and look up to sun, the bright orange redness (from the sun I think) radiates an intense picture of red blood cells or what I think are blood cells.And they're moving very rapidly and again I can only focus for so long before my eyes strain and it becomes very painful and I have to look away from the sun into a pillow and rub my eyes hard.Then I see tiny spheres of sparkling light which only stay for a second .Some call them stars but they look more like sparkles to me.Then as my eyes focus again amongst the water or tears (from rubbing my eyes too hard),I open them and then look up into the sky, away from the sun, and forget about the stupid fucking squiggly things moving on the outer layer of my eyes or the close up blood cells in my eye lids and I stare at the sky with perrifial vision and not trying, but just happening to make out all the kinds of faces,objects and staues in the clouds.And I can do the same with the painting next to my couch and the walls surrounding my couch.

The Heart we share.

2010-03-15T14:38:00.002+08:00

Each time they cut you, I bleed.

Today, I was taught a lesson of love.

2010-03-10T19:54:00.001+08:00

So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love — loving the loving of things whose existence she didn’t care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seemed to exist.

Eat your heart out.

2010-03-04T23:38:00.001+08:00

Ahh, but what can it be? A feeling as though your heart caved in, swallowed by every ache you've felt before. In that moment, every past mistake, every single wound, you'd feel it like a trainwreck. And all of forever felt like a moment. But perhaps love is none of these things. It won't suddenly make every day all right. It won't change who you are. It won't make your car go faster. It doesn't even wash your dishes.

All love is, is love. And that's all it needs to be. Really.

Do they come as snail mail?

2010-02-25T10:38:00.001+08:00

On the way home lastnight i found many snails. it was kinda like a nightmare the further down my street i got the denser the mass of snails became. I killed about a hand full or do they just become slugs?

I'd call it a nightride.

2010-02-17T21:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I can be about as subtle as an eartquake, with its breaks in between. Nobody really pays attention these days, it's easy when we're so caught up. But it's not always easy to be upfront, though ideal, when it comes to most things. Sometimes it feels a little silly if I keep repeating things people already know here, but I need some meaning I'm able to memorise, because these so easily slip my mind. Maybe it's a lot to ask from someone as so not to speak, but if it's one thing to remember, then it's always another one to live again. I've always known there comes a fine line between these two but in my recent twisted conscience, I've come to realise we're seperate-- in grief, in time; I would have to pull myself out to fully understand this metaphysical act. It can be daunting to realise by the day so much of yourself you haven't found before, to suddenly be aware of the capacity of your own doing. It can be overwhelming, you turn around and realise how far you've got and realise this was who you were all along. My wrists hum from memory-- you feel it when the wind suddenly changes. The sky feels closer and the people distant but maybe I'm just imagining too much, what more with so much time on my hands and not much to do these consecutive days-- I feel them blend into one long night.

Fear my tears.

2010-02-15T23:39:00.003+08:00

We know circles never come to a definite end point.
We know we can never turn back time.
We know we can never unravel a knot of anger.
We know we can never erase the mistakes we have made.
We know some things in life are just out of our reach.

But I know.
I know I am wishing so hard, hoping against hope that the girl who died in the storybook could have been me.
I know I wish I could keep my eyes open in the chilly water seeing every wave of sorrows sweep me deeper into the currents.
I know I will be brave enough to break the little childrens' hearts by telling them toothfairies don't leave them a penny under their pillows, santa claus doesn't have a list of the names of all the "nice" children around the world and fairytales, don't exist and never will.

I know I will laugh as I watch myself wake up helplessly from an awfully beautiful dream of me dying. It tickles me. Because those aren't nightmares. The only nightmares I wake up from are those where you appear to make my world go round with joy, laughter and love. Because when reality gives me an alarming wake up call...
Everything, everything.. Is just so ugly, so nasty, so very cold.

But I compose myself. It is one of those moments where I would curl up in a very very dark corner of my room in a curled up position. My sanity hanging by a thread.
Just one last straw for anyone or anything would cause me to trip and give into insanity.

I am a very scary kid. You don't know me like how the other people in my mad mad world know me. Because.. Kids in my mad mad world tell me they won't wait for the day they feel happy.

You'll see, I am psychotic.

Sugar.

2010-02-10T15:54:00.000+08:00

I want to twist, lick and dunk you in my cup of hot choco and have you for supper.

Ally Buddy.

2010-02-09T15:14:00.004+08:00

This blogpost is dedicated to you, ALLY.
I certainly hope this is useful. :B

LONG & BEHOLD, THE LEICA V-LUX 1;

Here's a little more info about the camera.
*All inclusive.
The performance spectrum of the LEICA V-LUX 1 is all you could possibly wish for. It takes delicate macro shots, space-grabbing wide-angle views and super tele nature photos without having to change the lens. Everything works in perfect harmony: the LEICA VARIO-ELMARIT lens, the optical stabiliser, the fast and precise autofocus and the ultra fast image signal processor.

*Strong performance.
The compact V-Lux 1 is a match for entry-line digital SLR systems any time. The V-Lux 1 combines top-class optics, magnificent image quality, 12x zoom and 10 megapixel image resolution in an ultra compact, convenient design.

*Panoramic display.
The swivelling display of the LEICA V-LUX 1 is an ingenious solution for unusual or uncomfortable perspectives. The 2.0 inch high-resolution LCD can be swivelled horizontally and vertically through 180°.

(+) points: Responsive, 12x optical, image-stabilized zoom lens; raw capture; sensitivity to as high as ISO 1,600.
(-) points: : Big camera body; auto white balance is bad with tungsten lighting; expensive. Price range is about $1000++ to under $2000+

I'll share with you some photos I took with the help of this camera:

Somewhere I call, wonderland.

2010-02-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

This is where I write something for you. This is where I sit down and open a vein. This is where I miss you. This is where I try and find the feeling of prickled skin. This is where I push the headphones closer. This is where I tell you what I think. This is where I tell you what I know. This is where I tell you that it’ll all be ok. This is where I talk to a stranger who isn’t a stranger. This is where I keep my peace, hope, love and happiness. This is where the wind blows. This is the mulberry bush. And around and around we go.

would "like" some?

2010-02-06T00:18:00.001+08:00

i like made alphabet soup today, and no not from a can because that is like dumb. i made it from scratch because i'm cool like that and perhaps because some people were like sick and i went to like visit because i wanted to be like nice. and because... err, perhaps like i think i feel like it. like being nice. like having nice chats. like caring. because i like my friends. like both new and old. because i like how they care. and like i didn't feel like doing anything else today...

hold up, wait a minute. sprinkle some love in it.

Dear John,

2010-02-04T01:32:00.003+08:00

Dear John.
By, Nicholas Sparks;
has a way with words and this movie promises to take you into a magical place with Dear John. In this heartbreaking novel you are on the edge of your seat praying for John as he is overseas defending his country after 9/11, while your heart goes out to his beloved girlfriend back in the US. Its an improbable romance that steals your heart and makes you wish for a love like theirs. You go through the ups and downs of family devastation and them being thousands of miles apart.

I must admit... I can relate to this story. Very well to be exact. Emotionally to be even more exact.

Hmmm, and so I met this stranger 2 and a half years back. No, it isn't what you are anticipating. You must have been expecting... Love at first sight, blah blah blah.
Honestly, thankfully.. No.

So, where was I? Oh yes, a stranger. A stranger that ignited a spark in a tiny corner of my heart when we first had our conversation together. But simple as it remained... We were nothing more than friends.
A fine line was drawn, we thought nothing could become out of the friendship we had (then) and so... We moved on with our seperate lives, but... I guess the knot in our friendship wouldn't unravel and it kept us tied together (as friends).

Down the months, (as friends) we met with life's complications. We had to handle our emotions and that meant keeping our infatuations we had for each other a secret. I would probably take a bet that we were the biggest liars living on earth then.
Checking up on each other once in awhile. Popping random questions like "So how's life for you?" and throwing oh-so-friendly "accusations" like "C'mon... I am sure you're attached by now". What the hell were we thinking?

We bloody knew deep down in our heart we missed each other so badly when school schedule was packed for me and we didn't see each other online that much. We bloody knew that it hurt so bad when we saw how "preoccupied" each other got in our private dating lives. Still, we were in denial. We reminded ourselves.... "We are just friends, nothing more."

But what about now? I ask of you... To stay close and never go. You came as a friend, stayed as a lover and I want you to know... Wherever you go, I am coming along.

All it took was two weeks for us to realize we were madly in love. Nothing more than two weeks.
You were and will be my best present I received on my 15th Birthday.
Not knowing how to spell LOVE untill you came along has so far been the best damn thing that has ever happen to me.

Yours truly.

"If I go away, what would still remain of me? The ghost within your eyes? The whisper in your sighs? You see... Believe
And I'm always there."

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one.

2010-02-02T01:16:00.002+08:00

i have conversations with myself in my head, and we go way back. we come up with all kinds of rubbish, and together start to understand things better. unfortunately, i never write anything down so whatever has been said is lost, only to be recalled when someone else brings it up thinking how cool they are to have been the first to think about it. maybe everyone has conversations with themselves. maybe everyone thinks they're the first to come up with it. maybe we should all step back and realise everyones pretty much the same, everyone has and opinion, its just that some of us have bigger gobs than others.

Extreme exhaustion.

2010-01-23T11:34:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel so happy, sometimes I feel so sad. Sometimes I feel so happy, but mostly you just make me mad. Baby, you just make me mad.

I'll take that dunk at my fingertips.

2010-01-23T01:14:00.001+08:00

this one involves covering your mouth, sitting down on the busiest street corner you most probably couldn't find and listening to whatever balls everyone is talking about. always the same old shit. i could choose to argue, correct things, whatever. but i'd be less tired if i just let people snowball their views into some messed up perspective, what the heck right. let them live with one moment of contentment thinking they're right. you can idealize your own values, i can sit around listening to things i don't believe in. everyone thinks they're right, 'cept they aren't of course.

well, some things trigger emotions we deem impossible or inexistent, things we buried out back with no intention of digging back up, ever. we all have points in life when things get painfully real when thinking about the end makes you re-evaluate the now. that whatever you swore to never resuscitate slaps you back in the face like a fish who's jumped out of the tank, fighting for its life.

Taste of ink.

2010-01-19T18:16:00.004+08:00

With th taste of ink, my obsession came back to haunt me. As th poison set in I found myself loving every moment of it.

Little did I realize my addiction for tattoo started when I was just an innocent young kid spending a pathetic sum of 5bux getting myself a stick-on tattoos. I would carefully paste it on my arms or even on my hands. I made sure my sticker tattoos were within th view of all my fellow pre-school mates. Damn those innocent days where my little envious classmates would resort to coloring their arms and hands with magic markers just so they thought they would look as cool as me.

Since then I couldn't help but invest all my piggy-bank money on sticker tattoos from that old shop round th corner. Th old sleazy shopkeeper who made money out of my 'hefty' investment would always shake his head in despair whenever I came around. Soon.... It was my 6th christmas back at Los Angeles with Aunt Molly, I swore I was th happiest kid on earth when I received my very own "Body Paint Kit".

I experimented with th different templates and it wasn't long till I went to school with face paint and butterflies and little stars all over my arms and feet. I fell madly in love with body art. As colorful as I looked... Grammy would always scrub me hard, washing every color off my body. She would cane me and scold me saying "Tattoos are for th gangsters!". That left me crying, I always assured her I was doing it for fun. But no, she wouldn't budge.

As I grew up, falling in and out of love forced me to exchange my obsession for happiness with a partner (then). I thought he was worth giving up my obsession for. But no no no, I was so damn wrong. That bastard knocked me out of my path and soon I went back to square but this time with another obsession with piercings.

I had myself 7 piercings done at one go. Ah, you might have wondered if th gnawing pain had drove me out of my sanity. To be honest, it wasn't th physical hurt but more to th emotional destruction that jerk caused.

Who knew a hero came into my life and pulled me out in time. I swore if I had not met him I would have still gotten my head stuck in that crazy turmoil. I love my partner now. I rly rly love him.
But I don't know why this sick obsession is creeping on me. Pulling me deeper.
I find myself feeling th tingling pain when th needle slowly ink my skin. I sense th deep surge of satisfaction when th cold, cold metal pierce through my skin.

This stupid voice is talling me to get my ink job done soon.
I've never told anyone this but I've always wanted to have tiny petals tattoo-ed down my back. Petals.

Now now now, I am considering to have my eyebrow pierced when I get my pay next month.

I know this confession upsets everyone. But I have from now till pay day to jolt out of reverie.

Save me now or never.

You've got a hole in your shopping bag.

2010-01-04T14:33:00.003+08:00

Aren't my nails pretty? Holyshit. It is pretty, I hear you say. But things.. Hmmm. I mean people (customers) I've met for the last five days of REBAJAS (SALES) are far from pretty. They are... Ugly/Nasty/Snobbish. One word for these shoppers- irksome.
In the last five days of ZARA SALES, apart from all that UGLY eyebags/packing/folding/serving customers (which is the deal of my job) I manage to take a peek from another point of view. You see, I have always been a shopper and never a sales exec. So... This job offered me another scope to life. I see the ugly side of female shoppers. Oh yes, to be very exact, FEMALE SHOPPERS ARE THE UGLIEST BEINGS ON EARTH.

Here are simple observations:
1. Heels and clothes that "flew" from one end of the shopfloor to other.
2. Soiled tissue papers left behind in the fitting room.
3. Starbucks cups left underneathe th shelvings (hello miss, you really think you can get away huh?)
4. A hell load of shoving through the pile of $29.90 T-shirts.
5. Blind customers who were oblivious to the sign MAXIMUM 6 PIECES ONLY outside the fitting room.
6. Continuous questioning "Er, this piece got my size?"
7. Women cut queue like noone's business.

Conclusion:-
I've changed my perception that women are demure and gentle beings. They are nothing but a bunch of rowdy rugby players wanna-be. Oh god, please take a good look at your shopping conduct when you look into the mirror next time. Pfffft.

Well, we all know... Dealing with shit every day is certainly no mean feat. Guess what I got as a reward?
A pleasant surprise from Cookie and his family at my workplace. A good 20 minutes with them left me with a smile. I love 'em loads.

Santa didn't drop by.

2009-12-28T13:08:00.004+08:00

Christmas came as a quickie this year for me. Pretty much because I became a WORK-A-HOLIC before the festive season itself. Hmmm, that explains not blogging as often. Working in the retail line is definitely no mean feat! You have to put up with nasty customers and blisters from running to and fro (shopfloor/cashier/stockroom/). To reward myself for all the hardwork, I booked an appointment for DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE @ Healing Touch (down at River Valley Road) a couple of nights back. The massage was indeed REWARDING!! Oh wells, I survived 3 christmas parties! Wohoo.

I love christmas (2009) because:
- I had a blast with my ZARA colleagues with all those wild party games.
- I had great fun chasing the little kiddies up and down the stairs.
- I received a CANON DSLR/Fred Perry shoes/Body Shop (MANGO BODY PACKAGE!)/Hugs/Kisses/Old Navy Tops and Bottoms/Liverpool items.
- I sent christmas wishes.

I hope you had a joyous christmas too.
Love,
J.

Those fags.

2009-12-19T23:06:00.002+08:00

Burning my weekends working. (It sucks)
Dealing with flirtatious customers. (It sucks)
Cheapskate customers who bark at you nonstop asking for the SALE DATES. (It sucks)
Forced to work OT because of "midnight shopping @ orchard". (It sucks)

Everyone calls me Jae Jae @ my workplace. (It rocks)
Come visit me at my workplace. I'll give you sweets.

V.S Glamour, i know you want me.

2009-12-15T01:10:00.004+08:00

Aha, my long awaited Victoria's Secret newsletter has finally popped by my inbox five minutes ago.
Guess what?
V.S is offering 15% off flannel pyjamas pants and oooh, here's the sexy catch; they have added on more lingerie to their Glamour Collection
That means only one thing- LINGERIE SHOPPING!
Oh... Guess Victoria's Secret christmas deal is way more attractive than what La Senza is offering so I guess I will be cashing heavily on V.S Glamour collection this christmas.

I am totally lovaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa'in it.

Human vs music.

2009-12-12T14:57:00.001+08:00

things i have deleted from my itunes today: owl city, the smiths, nickasaur, mgmt, 3Oh!3, sufjan stevens, patrick wolf, the rocket summer, all time low, lcd soundsytem, call it a draw, sigur rós, nevershoutnever, simian mobile disco, yeah yeah yeahs, bring me the horizon... i realise i don't listen to these artistes anymore, that i haven't for quite some time, that they are irrelevant now. and that's okay. because music don't have feelings. but people. people, on the other hand, this is a different situation. i can't do that anymore. i can't just delete off people as soon as they become irrelevant. dumped to trash and permanently removed. music, you see music, it can always be redownloaded, bought or borrowed, ripped or transferred. but people. people, we can't do that now, can we? they can be wounded. they have hearts.

How's life?

2009-12-09T16:07:00.004+08:00

An unexpected phonecall came through the line this morning.
"How's life, kiddo?".
Feeling fairly confident of myself, I replied with a rather "firm", "All's good."
"You sure?"
"Ye, kinda."

Guess I must have sounded hesitant or... my tongue got in the way and somehow, I fumbled between my emotions and words. I held back my tears for th entire 14minutes 43seconds of the phone conversation. It must have felt like forever as suppressing my emotions trying to sound OK was too much for me to handle.
After I hung out, I buried my face into my pillow and cried till I found myself choking on my own tears.

The truth is. Life is far from good. Life took me on a crazy ride and now, it left me in a massive mess.

I hate to know the truth. Somehow or rather, truth and reality brings about nastiness and fear. I won't go much into detail as... It is about my private life after all. I mean.. I will never find someone I can confide in whenver I meet with life's bullshit. Perhaps there are people I can confide in, but... I guess, the problem is; I will not allow myself to.
I have seen myself growing up on different tracks.

When I was as young as 2, I was a curious little explorer. Nothing could stop me from asking "WHY?"
I could never get proper sleep if my doubts were left unanswered.
For 14 years, one question that has not been answered was: "If you love me, why did you make me cry?"

Neither my daddy or momsie could answer me.

Life took a turn after I left primary school. I swung myself recklessly into the pits.
I smoked/partied/got into fights/drank/cut-myself.
Then,
nothing else did matter to me.
I regret what I've done.

Two years ago, reality did a check on me.
I changed for the better. But still, I was naive.
I became too forgiving. People began to step all over me.
I got hurt in return. I had been too nice to those who were simply masking their evil intentions. But hey, I will not hold grudges.

Today,
I've learnt my lesson. I have struggled through the toughest times with the people I truly love, shared happiness and tears with true friends who stood by me, laughed at almost nothing with the people who came and left my life without a trace.
I am really surprised with the number of people whom I've met and left my life.
I have realized today, how lonely I am.
But I am ok with it, because in that way.. I won't get myself hurt or stepped on.
This world is nasty.
Fairy tales don't come true.

Well, at least I knew.. My last happy moment as a kid was captured on the camera (look at th photo).

Hotel Room Service. Check.

2009-12-08T22:16:00.003+08:00

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLA~
Ritz Carlton was a blast. Breakfast buffet/Lunch/Tea-Break/Dinner/Supper/7-11
made us fat, fat, fat.
I bet you missed me. Haha.
Photos are uploaded on FB.

xoxo.
I am going to turn in now. I am exhausted!

Superheroes wear underwear, don't they?

2009-12-04T18:16:00.002+08:00

I paid 13bux for a TOPSHOP underwear.
This makes my ass worth a million dollar more now.
TOPSHOP is having their end-of-season sales. Almost most of their apparels are discounted at least 30% to 70% off their original price.

Go grab 'em while you can!

Midnight bottle got us love drunk.

2009-12-04T10:19:00.003+08:00

I woke up this morning to have my sissi wrapping her arms around me.
Lately, after th epic episode of me on the verge of losing my sanity and falling into depression, my sissi had been the one who spent countless of late nights in my room, keeping me company, making sure that those unpleasant thoughts would not haunt me. It had been close to 4 years since we last slept together much less on the same bed! Despite all those sorrows I saw myself drowning in, I surge of warmth still surrounds me. The warmth of a sister's love I believe.

Well, most of my friends would know that my sister and I had never been close and there had always been a fine line drew between our private lives. We never shared secrets and we always chose to confide in our friends whenever we met with life's challenges. The barrier we chose to have between us was awfully disheartening for my momsie as she took a whole lot of effort instilling values in us since we were young.
My momsie held strongly to a belief: No other love is greater than sister's love.

I finally understood the meaning of the phrase only after this episode. Albeit the times where I played my role as an older sister, resorting to many ways to express my love and concerns towards sissi, she often turned me away with her stoic expressions and mono-syllabic answers. But through this, I have learnt that deep under her "untouched" expressions, is a heart that cares and love me. She hugged me so tightly and told me not to cry ever again on the (first night). Leading to the next few nights, we would spent our midnights together watching dvds and sharing secrets. Somehow, both of us took a great leap and opened up more to each other.

We've been sharing almost all of secrets under the sun.
I love what I have right now, the greatest gift from LIFE; My sister's love.

To fellow readers with siblings, I am pretty sure you can understand exactly how I feel in this post. Well, like the old saying goes "blood is thicker than water", no love is greater than the love you receive from your family.

Cheerios and have a great weekend.

Love V & Natalie Portman

2009-12-03T13:41:00.004+08:00

I love V magazine they transform every celebrity to this cool ,edgy, sexy people. I just love the photographers that take these photos, the stylists that come with these looks, hair and makeup artists that do incredible work. You must get this magazine. Not to forget the writer/editors that give details and issues what going in fashion and celebrity.Natalie portman is such a great actress and remind of the movie she played... start with a V for Vendetta .

LoVin' it.

What the fuck.

2009-11-29T23:24:00.002+08:00

what the fuck.

I have gained 3kilos.

Topshop is having their season sale and I only managed to grab myself a pretty cute undie as they had no bottoms for size 6.

What the fuck.

I am running low on cash.

What the fuck.

This really feels fucked up.

2009-11-28T12:43:00.004+08:00

its gonna be our 15th month in 2 days time. so many things has happened, be it good or bad. i suppose sometimes i just cant be the best, cant be any sweeter than you, my love may appear to be insufficient, my words tend to be harsh. its true that i have a made an unforgiven mistake recently, an unpleasant pic that shocked you out of your life. tho i tried to explain i still realised its entirely my fault. i was so silly so stupid to allow ur fragile heart shattered into pieces, u lost so much tears cos of my irresponsibility, my childishness. my thinking was a total screwed up, i shld have listened to your heart but it was all too late. now i knw it wld be hard for me to mend it back, mend it like it used to be. things wont be the same for sure after this. i knw very well i have wasted my chance to express all my love when i came back from my outfield. so right here right now, i will give it all i have to salvage this love from crashing down. i will do all means to make it right, to be right there always, to ensure that u are safe from any harm. i always wanting to be your hero, to save you from any gravitational force which can lead to a mishap, and u succumbing from your fear. i wanna be your pillar of strength, i wanna guide you and bring you to a place called CLOUD 9, thats where we belong. i dont need anybody else to change me, i dont need anyone else to guide me. i just need your heart so that i can fill every corner of the room with my love, care and concern. i just wanna be with you.i dont want anybody else. it will just drive me insane lunatic. i will nvr get to where i am without you. u made me someone, someone who can love you with all his heart and im capableof doing that. you are all that i need. i really miss you badly, i just wanna be in your arms with cookietoady and sing you 'home' by micheal buble every single night, i wanna make your favourite redbean pancake so that u wont go hungry, i wanna go jog with you so that u wont be lonely, i just wanna be with you so that you knw how true my love is for you. the yearning to see you and hold you are my absolute fantasy. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH J-ING. i have nvr loved a lady like this before, you are my obsession, my diamond, my cookiemonster, my cookiegumgum, my cookie starbear, my jayve mishall. i just need you by my side, let me sail with you and get rid of all the pain in you now. this 2:40min video above can nvr be the greatest gift, but my sincerity to do it with heart and tears i will always remember u have been the greatest lady in my life. I LOVE YOU J-ING, I REALLY DO.

By Your Hubby,

Ridwan

R-R, Bad Romance.

2009-11-28T02:11:00.003+08:00

God, I've been possessed by the fashion devil. I have a new-found addiction to HEELS. Oh yes, I have been eye-ing a wide range of heels from almost every footwear store in town. That would have to go without a saying, I dropped by in town yesterday with my family because momsie had a dinner date with her group of girlfriends so.... That meant retail therapy with dadsie and sissi. Well, it was my turn to get my dose of shopping as sissi had her fair share when she was vacation-ing in taipei over the last six days. (I am so friggin' jealous alright). Apparently, she mentioned about how fashion-forward taipei is and that their range of apparels and footwear are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more trendier than what we have in Sg. That I have to agree with! Certainly without a doubt. Well, the range of clothings we have here in Sg is more or less similar, if not... The different type of styles and cutting do share the same "inspiration". Don't you agree? Guess the only way to look stylish is to go simple. Oh no wait, simplicity doesn't come cheap. I reckon everyone have to invest in at least a good pair of JEANS and a stunning pair of HEELS. I believe, with these two essentials you can strut your way down in town and turn those heads and get those jaws dropping. Now now, where was I? Ah, heels. Oh, heels, heels and more heels. I jumped into [New Look] @ Ion for a 15minute quickie because dadsie was rushing for "carpark time". Anyhow, I scanned every single rack in the shop... And... Aw, within good 8minutes, I laid my eyes on a pair of "Oh la la~" black heels. Well, I am not quite sure if it appeals to anyone else, but damn I knew there and then which pair of outfit would go perfectly well with that pair of heels. Dadsie was hurrying me and his hastiness irritated me. So I left the outlet. Oh god, I will come back for you(heels), you have no idea how much I love you. I promise, I will get you! Now that dadsie isn't there to pay, I will have to fork out 67bux for it. Shitzxzxzxz. Where am I to get so much cash? I've milked my cashcow dry within the past 3 days. This is really irksome. It sucks biggie when you are broke. I will find a way.

There you go, you are just so gorgeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooous. Mwaaaaaaa! Lady GaGa wears "STUNNING-ly KILLLAAAAA" heels.
Now I am ass-whipping envious.

Words are pretty mean, nasty and razor - sharp.

2009-11-27T03:22:00.000+08:00

rip Daul Kim

I didn't like Daul because she was pretty (she was). I didn't like Daul because she had a cool sense of style (she did). I liked Daul because there was something there I could relate to. It's frowned upon to blog about your feelings on a fashion blog. But the truth is...

most fashion blogs/ people/ personalities just seem so boring. "Be a real person!" I would say. Do you ever wonder if anyone feels anything beyond "Oh I covet this..."?

One time, I wrote about my nervous breakdown. And then everyone called me a "bitch." It's too bad people aren't happy and smiling all the time, huh?

To be forever young.

2009-11-26T10:20:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning to find my mind almost empty. Somehow I had the feeling of not remembering anything, no, nothing at all. I loved how peaceful I was this very morning. Everything felt so warm, so comforting. I knew this time, I only have myself to trust. I want to stay guarded in my own arms, I want to protect my heart, shelter it from all the emotional turmoils. This is the beginning of my discovery to independence. No doubt, I will take the best out of this hard lesson, step out from the naiveness I used to drown myself in. Here I am, standing firm on my two feet, I will learn it the hard way, I will stay guarded, I will not let anyone or anything hurt me for good.

When I was young, I had taken a whole load of burden. But never did I express the slightest weary emotions. I faked a smile for almost half of my life, I pretended everything was ok. The greatest lie I told myself was: "Don't be afraid, everything is OK."
Obviously, nothing then and now is either PERFECT or OK. I had been in a state of denial, or so I may very well assure myself those words were merely for comforting sake.

I will do myself a favor, or at least my heart a favor now. I've learnt never to allow others take me for granted. I am truly terrified. Reality comes without a hint, leaves you at a lost. Reality spells nastiness.
I wished I had never broken out of my naiveness, because...
Only because when I was a little kid, I was ever so trusting by nature, I have never doubted anyone neither could I tell the good and bad apart. Sadly, all these years of growing up, I was exposed to different sides and facade of people and Life. I know I am in the most vulnerable position right now.

I have to protect myself.

My boots will walk right over you.

2009-11-25T00:01:00.002+08:00

Tuesday saw me back at town. Orchard has became my second home eversince th O's had ended. I swear I've been in and out of town for more than 10-12 times in the month of November. Hmmm, and that brings bad news because I am really beginning to wear a dry feeling towards town. Like y'know? Albeit th festive seasons nearing, the range of retail outlets in town are lacking..... the "BOOMZ!" (pardon my lousy attempt of "ris low")

Spent my afternoon with Shahib. The skinny 17 year-old had to look for a part-time job to get him through his holidays. So we headed for:-
Pit Stop 1: Uniqlo @ Ion.
Pit Stop 2: Topman @ Ion.
Pit Stop 3: A cartoonish-kiddish shop @ Ion
Pit Stop 4: Na Na Thai @ FarEast
Pit Stop 5: Sakura @ FarEast (he'd most probably get the job here!)

So girls, do check out the round-eyed skinny Shahib @ Sakura, Far East. He is really over the moon. You should have seen how his face beamed with glee when the manager told him "breakfast, lunch and dinner is provided for"

After which, I met up with dadsie and we went shopping. Shopping with dadsie literally meant milking the cash cow. KACHINKKKKKKKK!
We went through the racks of almost every shop and picked out whatever we felt great in. I swear we blew at least a good 500bux within an hour!

On the whole, I felt great in my black boots. Ah, I dugged them out from my cupboard this morning. Old Old boots, you've been revived!
Today I figured two things:
1. The best work out? Swagger those buttcheeks down town with goddamn hot heels.
2. Either Sg is really tiny or FB is an effective social portal. Every corner I turn, I see familiar faces. It is a mad, mad world.

Goodnight lovers.
xoxo.

Without a trace.

2009-11-23T12:12:00.003+08:00

I feel like going on Hiatus.
I want to disappear into thin air and leave nothing but bubbles behind.
You'll realize sooner or later, I've left.

Apologies. The word "feel" in this context is rather contradicting and that's only because, I can't feel.

I am fucking scared of you.

2009-11-22T03:34:00.003+08:00

Somtimes I wonder what I would answer if my friends asked me if I was in love with you. Now, they would never question because I'm really good at hiding my feelings due to years of practise.

But IF.

"I do" I might say. "I'll admit that there is a certain tension between him and me that I don't feel I have with anyone else." Then, after a moment of thought, I might continue: "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his head so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

The thing is that I don't want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can't ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can't bear to deal with them, and I certainly can't deal with the feelings that comes after. When you've been hurt. And you always get hurt.

I never let anyone in. It takes years of good behaviour to make me trust a person fully. Much because I've been let down. Hard. I've poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, in many many years I've never let myself feel anything for anyone, I've run when I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore. I've run so awfully much, in such an awful long time, and I'm so awfully tired.

So, this time, I have sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings that make me want him to hold me. The feelings that, when he looks at me in a certain way, are so overwhelming that it takes all of my self-restraint to not move over. The feelings that makes me pee myself out of fear.

I really don't know what to do. People tell me loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how you feel when you get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and... And I'm babbeling. I always do when I'm scared. And I'm so awfully scared right now.

How the fuck can you be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot.
We all say, true love doesn't come with the person you can live with, but with the person you can't live without.
Perhaps, you'll realize when I'm gone. Far.

Skinny Bitches & their talk.

2009-11-21T14:39:00.007+08:00

Saturday started out pretty early for me considering the fact that I only managed to grab a pathetic 3 hour sleep after sending sissi off to the airport last evening. Sigh, I miss my little faggot. Now, home seems rather silent without sissi's usual blaring of 'youtube' videos. ):

Anyhow, I just got home for PS's solemnization. (By the way, I do miss him. Friggin' much alright. I swear I felt so sick of myself having to wear a fake smile and congratulate him. Life isn't fair) Pffft.
Enough of grudges. I have to sort for ways to calm myself down after the 'traumatic' experience this morning.

Method 1: Snack on Krazee Bars (I am having apricot yoghurt)
Method 2: Surf the net. (Note to self: avoid FB.)

Here we go, I was browsing through the net when I stumbled upon a pretty interesting article on "WHAT DO MODELS TALK BACK STAGE". Are you in for a JAWDROPPER?

Behold..... The "godly" topic is- FOOD.
Well, you heard me. Models talk about FOOD back stage. Astonished? You'd better be. Then again, what you hear might contradict what you see. Models appear like nothing but a bag of skin-and-bones. Agree? Now, we wonder how can they ever look so long, lean and mean even after they claim they've went on a BINGEING SPREE. I am wondering... Are you?
Let's see what VICTORIA SECRET MODELS; Chanel Iman, Anja Rubik and Marisa Miller have to say about "FOOD".

Marisa Miller
"That's all I want. Bring me a cupcake as I'm running off the runway. Just throw it to me."

Chanel Iman
"Last night, I've had a big feast. I always eat a lot, but I wanted to fill myself up and feel sexy next to these real women. Because sometimes I feel like I have a baby body!"

Anja Rubik
"I'm used to it by now. It's like, if a boob pops out, it's no biggie."

So, little girls. Now we know the truth don't we?

Prom date.

2009-11-19T22:29:00.004+08:00

Prom took place on Monday evening @ Concorde Singapore (which the teachers claim it is in the "heart" of orchard road). Prom would have been awesome if there was a dancefloor. Sadly, it had been one emotional evening. Streaked make-up, tissue paper, tight hugs and well-wishes. Somehow or rather memories appeared to have re-lived for just that moment. And in the next, the night was soon over and everyone walked out of that ballroom, walking our seperate ways (for real).
Guess that means depending on the cyber world to keep each and everyone of us in the loop. Sigh. Now I am getting all emotional again.

Well, to lighten the mood i'll share with you more about my dress. I had designed this dress out of boredom a couple of months back and had not realized I left the piece of drawing at Uncle J's boutique so... He was such as sweetheart when he came to surprise me on Monday afternoon with a white box. I opened the box and my face beamed. I felt as if I was getting married! Inside the box was the taylor-made black dress and a pair of heels. I swear a tiny tear managed to slide its way down my cheeks. Gee, I was so touched.
Anyhow.... Credits to th dude.

That's the last time I'd put on make-up so... Enjoy the photos for now.
Shall turn in early tonight as the weather is ever so welcoming.
Shahib bestie is heading of to jakarta tomorrow. He promised to have great fun!
Seeya as soon as you are back, bestie.

Hey Kid, get into the fashion scene.

2009-11-15T21:52:00.003+08:00

The plan in mind was to source for inspiration on what to wear for prom tomorrow night. As usual, I got distracted again and again. Browsing at god know's what sort of music playlist and addictive online games, I can't help it. There it goes again, see what I meant? I am supposedly suppose to talk about a subject and POOF* my mind wanders off. Anyhow, prom is no biggie and so I've decided to just grab what I see at th eleventh hour before prom. Hopefully, my eyes will willingly seek out the appropriate dress for the occasion. As much as I dread going to prom I have to bear in mind that I have to at least show up in some kind of dressing that is more or less "prom-like". Oh wells, dear fashion goddess, appear in my dreams tonight and tell me what to wear.

As I was browsing, I stumbled upon a website that featured fashion photoshoots for young children models. You've got to envy these kidos for entering the fashion scene.
I'll leave you some photo samples as I head to bed for a good night's sleep.

Reminder to self: Get your ass in bed, you've not been sleeping for three days now. Ah yes, you do look like a living zombie.

We'll make the cut.

2009-11-15T00:17:00.002+08:00

Things I've gleefully decided in the last five minutes:
1. Focus on karaoke session.
2. Ignore prom preparation.
3. Eat Cookies.
4. Spam Crumpz on msn.
5. Get myself to sleep.

God, everyone has to quit whining about prom. And boy am I serious about that. Gee, look girls and boys, prom culture in Sg is definitely no biggie. Who the heck on earth ends an epic party at 10pm? God, night life begins at 10pm, when all the little kiddies crawl back to bed.
Dropped by in town this afternoon with crumpz after our trip to beach road. Poor baby, he got arrowed for SAFKA and would not be booking out for at least 3 dreadful weeks. Shitty, I know. ANYHOW, we headed to cash studio and sang till we were literally hitting high notes. Note to self: I realized I fell in love with a buff dude who hits high notes as well as Mika does. (P.s. it might have been a tight boxer crumpz was wearing). ROFLOL.

I swear all that song and "ROCK & ROLL" impersonation tickled my funny bones. But on the whole, crumpz made me go gaa-gaa over him when he sang all our favourite love songs. Honestly, is there any man out there who is THIS romantic? Naw, highly doubt so. Not trying to get all haughty or showy about having a PERFECT boyf but seriously, the general Singaporean male species clearly lack the essential- character.

Guess I'm driving into the other direction. Guess this shall be it for now,as I am waiting for the videos to be uploaded on FB.
Night folks.

Check on it, will you.

2009-11-13T05:11:00.002+08:00

Oh I pretty much wonder, why the night falls silent on me, leaves me insomiac and my mind circling vulnerable thoughts. Gotta keep myself occupied constantly, perhaps. Or so I thought it would be a brilliant idea to re-construct my blog. Not that it matters to anyone but it would at least keep my mind off the hook.

In the matter of pathetic hours I have to report back to school to attend the dreaded graduation ceremony. For peace sake, let us all get this ceremony over and done with in a blink of an eye alright? Geez, we've got to move on, kids. Oh yes, take that leap out of your comfort circle. We'll be out to face the world as adults with demanded maturity. So, grow up. Now.

I'll admit school life wouldn't have kept me surviving if it weren't for all those nasty pranks we pulled and all that dirty antics we put up with. Shudders, we must have been unruly kidos eyh. My oh my, how on earth did we ever turn so monserous?
But I am so darn glad I grew out of it.

It's time you should to.

2009-10-23T09:25:00.004+08:00

I've been up since last night, 1107pm.
Mommy and daddy called sissi and me into their bedroom for a talk.
I would have thought it was just some occasional family "chit-chat" thingy going on.
But i guess i was wrong. Utterly wrong.

My mom broke th news to us. How ironic, she said those words with so much glee while i was bearing th sickening pain gnawing inside of me. I must have shown my emotions on my face as my mom and dad went silent for a minute.

So here's th deal:
Mom got offered a partnership to set up a university in Dubai and this means PERMANENT CITIZENSHIP & LIVING EXPANSES, EDUCATION IS ALL CATERED FOR. Dubai.

Mom and Dad thinks we need to breakaway from th Singapore lifestyle (which i agree, but... not TOTALLY).

Well, I do love dubai itself, and I can almost imagine th lifestyle I am gna have there, pleasant and away from all that Singapore "JUNK".
I'd thought we would be moving to Aust or something, but.... Dubai?

Final call lies with my parents.
But I doubt I can leave just like that, if i do, I'm leaving a gem behind. And I'd live my life with regrets.